*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
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I’m so sweaty at all times I think it would be biologically accurate to call me amphibious.
My superpower is to wake up more tired than I was when I fell asleep.
Bunnies are not the same as cats, but I dare you to tell the difference in a blind taste test.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
My daughter asked me what it’s like to have kids so I interrupted her every 11 seconds until she cried.
“You made your bed now lay in it” doesn’t really sound like a punishment to me. I love laying in a freshly made bed.
And other 5am thoughts
Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
Sure, I’ll load the dishwasher honey. What kind of ammunition does it use?
The average person gains 4 pounds during the holidays. Once again, I’m above average.
Still trying to figure out the whole speed/tilt ratio for drinking out of a cup.
Satan: Welcome to Hell. Did you happen to be a Twitter user when you were alive?
Me: Yes
Satan: Oh okay then we can skip orientation.
Me: sorry I rode a giraffe to your grandmas funeral
Friend: what? that’s not a giraffe
Me: sorry I’m on drugs at your grandmas funeral
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
Me: I need to sleep
Ambien: do worms have buttholes? You should text your boss
Dudes always say they want a goth girlfriend until you go to introduce him to your friends & it turns out that he’s “afraid of bats.”
“I’m not gay or anything.”-homophobic antimatter
I’m listening to an anger management podcast and after every point the host makes he directs us to his website to buy his program and ngl it’s pissing me off
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: …
Dog: …
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: ..
Me: ..
Dog: ..
Me: …
Dog: …
(Women, take note *ahem* Man’s best friend)
watching seinfeld on netflix, recalling the time in india when a seinfeld episode came on my host family’s tv and i said “ooh everyone watch this, this is my culture” and it was the one where george’s fiancee dies from licking all the wedding envelopes and they were horrified
It’s like ten thousand tweets when all you need is a life.
I sharpened all my kitchen knives today. Now I can’t help but slice everything as if I’m in an infomercial.
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
The kids in Mrs. Doubtfire were pretty dumb if they couldn’t figure out that their nanny was famous actor Robin Williams the whole time
If you like the song “Red Red Wine” then U B 40.
I love high fashion advertising. It’s like, “Why yes, I am wearing a $2000 skirt at the gas station while a llama patiently waits in my car.”
Each one of us has a secret. My secret is that I can’t keep a secret. Also Jill is a lesbian.
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: oh that’s a brilliant question
Interviewer: But what’s the answer?
Me: Sarcasm