[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
In the street today, an unattractive woman asked for my number, so I gave her a fake. Still feel a bit guilty, as I’d just totaled her car.
If I had a party I wouldn’t tell you when to leave but there will be signs.
what’s the funniest celebrity name if you swap their initials? I’m torn between Wenzel Dashington and Hom Tanks
Conversation between my mom and my 12 year old brother. I am in tears.
3,026 years from today, life will either be really good or really bad.
It’s 5050.
How do people get their drivers to murder someone? Mine sulks if I ask him to fetch groceries.
Yesterday, Mike heated up his fish in the break room.
Today, Mike is missing.
Don’t be like Mike.
Me: A stranger is just a friend you haven’t met.
Stranger: No.
I’m amazed by people who lose weight w exercise. When I exercise nothing happens bc my DNA still thinks I’m a European peasant. So it’s like “Oh! Are we running from the English again, lass? Dinnae ye worry: we’ll keep ye plump as a partridge to outlast the murderous bastards!”
[11am]
Me: oh look, it’s sunny out.
Me: I should go running.
Me: or swimming!
Me: these Doritos are delicious.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
1977: stayin’ alive
2020: stayin’ alive
It’s bikini season, so you’re allowed to shoot bikinis as long as you have a permit.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I thought of a benefit to talking on the phone with someone: if a murder happens and you’re a suspect, you have an alibi.
I accidentally wore a red shirt to Target last night and, long story short I’m covering for Debbie this weekend.
A squirrel just tried to break into my house,
I’ve gotta find another tree
I asked my 4-year-old to pick up her toys and she hissed at me like an angry cat. Do I approach the hissing child? Do I let it be? Idk what to do. The parenting books don’t talk about this.
My dog knows me so well that if I return home within five minutes of leaving he knows I’ve forgotten something and will not be staying, so he doesn’t even bother getting up to greet me
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
Final Destination: Holiday Edition.
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Me: Do you have any dreams?
Him:…I’m running on a giant hamster wheel and a squirrel wearing a tuxedo comes…
Me: ASPIRATIONS YOU IDIOT
No one told me my biggest parenting challenge would be to not eat the cake I left in the fridge for the kids, but here we are.
I wonder if Batman ever saw the Batsignal and thought ‘I’ve literally just sat down.”
Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
Whoever’s been in charge of the weather for the last few weeks seems to have fallen asleep on the couch with the remote control underneath them.