[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
*Dentist’s waiting room*
*Trying to make conversation with other patient*
So… I guess you have teeth, too?
At the urinal in an I-95 rest stop bathroom:
Siri’s voice (from my back pocket): Turn left.
Man to the left of me: Please don’t.
Doctor: A healthy serving of red meat is the size of a deck of cards.
Me: So… no more than 52 slices of roast beef?
Dr: I hate this job.
[Time is NOT Real Institute]
BOSS: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
ME {coyly}: Time is not real
BOSS: Ah, very good. That was a test. You seem like the right guy for the job…. When can you start?
ME: Right away
BOSS: …
ME: Oh shi-
Them: “There’s certain things that should be left unsaid”
My brain: “VOLDEMORT”.
[eats all your cotton candy]
Her: Let’s just drop it.
Me: Fine.
Her:
Me:
Her: I just find it funny how…
Me: *opens car door and shoulder rolls out into traffic*
we lost our power
“why?”
a transformer blew up by our house
*eyes widen* “that’s awes-”
it’s not as cool as it sounds
[Baby shower]
Mom-to-be, opening my gift: What’s this?
Me: A lock box.
MTB: For what?
Me: Your office supplies: tape, scissors, pens…
MTB:
Me: You’ll thank me in 5 years.
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
We should have 12 presidents, one from every zodiac sign
If your kid asks for a napkin it’s already too late.
weddings should have a worst man
Bae: Come over.
Romeo: Can’t. You’re a Capulet, I’m a Montague.
Bae: Deny thy father and refuse thy name; come over.
Romeo: Also, you’re 13.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
“MOOOOOOMMM!!!”
*Rock “the Dwayne” Johnson
Once I spilled an ENTIRE cup of coffee in a cab and the driver started freaking out, but miraculously, it all landed in a cup holder, and I soaked it up with a sock. When we arrived, the cab driver got out to see zero spilled coffee in his cab and looked at me like a magician.
I met a girl who runs a battery kiosk at the park.
She sells c-cells by the seesaw
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
I like my men, like I like my coffee.
So hot, that I have to keep blowing.
Getting away with an expired coupon like, yes, I am a con artist.
Years ago I promised a now 44 yr old friend I’d marry her if she was still single at 45 I need someone to step up she’s a mess
These are troubling times, but as an incredibly drunk philosopher once said, “you can’t make lemonade without breaking a few eggs”
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
I don’t remember if I took my pills, but I can’t check because I can’t remember where I put my glasses.
Keeping a very sharp knife next to my bed in case a burglar breaks in and wants sashimi
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!