[throws salad into a garden]
Go home boy…you’re free now.
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ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
so you’re telling me that geneology is not the study of genies?
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Homeless people are so lucky. They don’t have to pay rent and can eat as many pigeons as they want.
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
I shutter to think of all the things my neighbors have seen me do through their blinds.
Not muting your mic is the new reply all
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
My downstairs neighbor thinks I’m a little creepy and that I overstep my bounds. At least that’s what she wrote in her diary.
They call Japan the “Land of the Rising Sun”. Is that why they look like they’re squinting all the time?
It was when I stabbed a Capri Sun perfectly the first time, right in that grey circle, that I knew I wanted to be an assassin.
Pro tip:
If you bring her flowers to apologize, don’t bring them in a vase.
She might still be pissed. No sense in arming her.
Me: Who made this mess?
8-year-old: Not me.
6-year-old: Not me.
4-year-old: Not me.
3-year-old: A horse. I saw it.
I have a suspect.
I rarely eat kale chips, but when I do-I eat them condescendingly and self-righteously.
About ran over a guy jogging at 6 am in 10 degree weather, simply as a mercy killing. But my husband stopped me, explaining that some people “enjoy” that sort of thing.
So I just started chasing the dude with my car, to increase his joy.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
Forget waterboarding, just put a cold hand on my belly and I’ll tell you anything you want to know.
Too bad you can’t get abs from laughing at your own jokes because I would be shredded.
was fired from my court stenographer job when the defendant was sentenced to 15-20 years and I remarked: “aww, big stretch!”
Some girl is stalking me & has been telling ppl I’m her boyfriend. I’m flattered but I prefer to be the psychotic one in the relationship
Teenage Jesus: Hey dad, why you wearing that crucifix?
God: It’s an idea I have for a public holiday.
TJ: Huh?
G: It’s complicated.
At McDonalds
Cashier: You total is to tell your kids that you love them
Me: Look lady if I loved them I wouldn’t be feeding them this crap
I’m not an actress but I play one on the phone when the lady asks me if I have a pen to write down the confirmation code.
{Goes to buy Virgin Airlines ticket}
“Can I buy one even if I’ve done sex?”
Um. Yes sir
“Cause I have”
Okay
“I’ve done all of it”
Please go
*whispering to my belly fat*
I just can’t quit you.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
ME: *points at my “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
CO-WORKER: *points at his own “World’s Greatest Dad” shirt*
ME: *takes a sip from my “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
CO-WORKER: *sips from his own “World’s Greatest Dad” mug*
ME: [eyes narrow] *draws “World’s Greatest Dad” sword*