*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
You Might Also Like
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
The only way I’d be invited to a dinner party is to be hunted by rich people for sport.
This week’s mood.
People say they’re gung-ho about saving the environment, but propose reusing toilet paper at a city council meeting one time and suddenly global warming’s “not that big of a deal” and “you’re not welcome here”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Me, seeing five little monkeys jumping on the bed: *closes door*
My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?
I always take my kids on vacation during drug awareness week…because there’s just some things they should learn from their dad.
[dinner party]
GUEST: so what are your thoughts on euthanasia?
ME: [mouth full of mashed potatoes] I am against youths everywhere.
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
I’m such a sucker for a sports movie. I want the team to win so bad… but then it seems like they won’t… omg they did it
Forgot to pack tights so I’m wearing yoga pants with my dress and a long sweater. I look like a crazy cat lady.
Snake: What do you do?
Gun shop owner: I’m an arms dealer.
*snake gets super excited*
OMG I opened the door to let the dog in and there was a slug on the door AND IT GOT ON MY HAND SO I SCREAMED LIKE A TODDLER AND THE DOG ATE IT TO PROTECT ME. And now we are both embarrassed.
Hotels are back
And I don’t want to hear people from imaginary places like Finland telling me that 57 degrees isn’t cold, save it for the elves, Santa
They’re going to start pairing TV shows w/medications. “If you’re taking this, this and this… watch this!”
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
My 4YO asked me, “can I take your picture mama cuz you’re so beautiful,” but it was actually because she wanted my phone to look for YouTube videos.
[dollar store orientation]
trainer: and how much does this cost?
me: um, a dollar?
trainer: wow are you sure this is your first day
Women have to be pissed knowing female kangaroos have an ingrown, biological fanny pack when they can’t even get pockets in their pants.
Me: You really brighten up the room!
Date: Aww, thanks!
Me: *staring directly at the sun* Who said that
Valentine’s Day is *not* the most romantic day of the year; the winter solstice is, because it gives you the most amount of time to spend with your vampire husband before the sun rises.
@funTweeters OH MY GOODNESS!! THANKYOU SO MUCH!! I JUST STALKED YOUR SITE!! LOVE IT. AM HONORED!! <3
Started watching LOST again w niece & neph, completely
forgetting I’m flying to Spain for a wedding.
PILLS ARE PACKED
I ate an entire pound of blueberries today so honestly I hope some oxidants try to step to me I’ll send them crying to their mommies
I love getting phone calls telling me I won a prize for a contest I didn’t enter 🙄
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.