*throws smoke bomb, but when the smoke clears I’m just on the floor taking a nap*
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If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
I’ve never related to a meme more in my life #gradschool
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Husband’s at Costco and sending me pics of beef stroganoff in a pouch. That’s enough excitement for one night.
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Dear Santa,
My ex was very naughty this year. But I was very good. So you can just send me all his presents.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
I was attacked by two owls simultaneously. They were in cahoots.
Empathic Friend: Oh honey, you’ve got a lot on your plate
Me: I got the buffet 🤭
Ever look at someone and automatically get a headache..
Ancient Romans: uh oh there’s someone at the door
Buffy, the Empire Slayer: knock knock
Sitting outside of a bar re-reading the Hinge profile of the dude I’m about to meet like I’m cramming for a test
I just sneezed my wife awake from a nap so any discussion about renewing vows is on hold for a bit.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
In 1508, the French town of Autun sued all the local rats for eating crops. The rats’ lawyer successfully argued that as the rats might encounter dogs or cats on the way to defend themselves in court, the trial was unfair.
Bootstraps
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
driving down the highway in my monster truck, crushing hundreds of cars but avoiding ones that have “baby on board” decals, because I’m a good person
Wife: I won’t ask again, take the trash out!
Me: OK, ok. I’m doing it!
[3 days later]
W: Can you take the trash out?
M: No way!
W: *angry* I beg your pardon?
M: *shrugging* You promised you’d never ask me again
W: I despise you
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I push everything I have across the table and confidently call “all in”.
“Omg, for the last time, this is chess”
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
All these gift wrapping videos going viral as if your kids aren’t going to rip into that shit like feral hyenas finding a half dead zebra during a drought.
I picked up a packet of party food (mini pies) in the supermarket and someone next to me said, “ooh, they look good!”
I had no idea what to say in reply so I panicked and said “thanks very much!”
Can’t shop there again.
Please stop bullying people into watching TV shows where you just have to make it through the first 3 seasons before it starts getting good.
Me: The dogs ears are so soft!
Wife: I know!
Me: I want to make a pillow out of them
Wife: …..
Me: Not now obviously, like, when he dies
ME EVREY MORNIG: nonono no noNO no NONO NO!!!
ME EVREY NIGHT: u know wat wil make my morning amazing?! setting my favorite song as my alarm