If I ever have an out of body experience, when it’s over I’m gonna be like “Umm, do I have to go back to my original body? I kinda like that younger one with better hair over there.”
You Might Also Like
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
I lost a contact at the gym and while I was searching for it people started gathering around and long story short I teach yoga now.
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Apparently being a 45 year old man sitting on Santa’s lap demanding the heads of your enemies is just too much for some malls.
Incredible news from my son’s school as he informs me he knows a 5 year old named Alan.
My dribbled milkshake stains bring all the dry cleaners to my yard
tried to blow dust off my phone and spat all over it
so yeah, i’m adorable
The kidnapper rang and said “£10,000 and you get your wife back”
“Negotiate with him!” advised the policeman
“£20,000 and she’s all yours”
HER: Shake what your momma gave you!
ME: *Tosses around crippling anxiety and male pattern baldness*
HER: what are you doing?
ME:
*closes page
*deletes history
*performs factory reset
*throws phone against the wall
nothing why, what’s up?
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
Behind every happy woman there is an empty bottle of wine…
Kids be like “Hey can you decorate outside my room for my birthday tomorrow like you did last year? But make it a surprise.”
In school they don’t teach you how to do taxes or that when a mysterious dusty window appears in your room you should NOT answer the raspy voice that drifts through it at 3AM
Found my 7yo vacuuming his room before school, so I guess the aliens switched him in the night
You might be “street-smart” but you’re “everywhere-else-stupid”.
canadian assassins are called killergrams
I hate to be a stickler, but why is Jesus wearing a cross?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Me: don’t ever speak like that to me again
Alarm clock: *continues to beep*
Uber Driver: How was your day?
Me: Pretty good. Just saw Spider-Man.
Uber Driver: How do you know him?
Ok so my grandmother is going on holiday on Friday, wants me to water her plants while she’s away & should never use emojis.
[showing off the 13” dildo i found in the dumpster behind 7/11] he’s a rescue
Anyone: You go girl!
Me: Omg, ok. Yes. Finally. *walks away*
5: daddy can I tell you a secret?
Me: sure thing buddy
5: *grabs my face and whispers* I just pooped and I didn’t wash my hands
[dollar tree]
CASHIER: i’m sorry sir but we don’t actually sell trees that grow dollars
ME: get me the manager
[a person with cold hands]
DONT YOU DARE TOUCH ME WITH THOSE
[a dog with cold paws]
POOR BABY COME HERE I WILL GIVE YOU ALL MY BODY HEAT
When my kids were younger, I told them that the candy at the checkout counter was fake. Then we would laugh at the people buying “fake candy.”