Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My first son he is wonderful

My birth control is my 5yo running around in circles at 5am screaming “I have so much energy! I have so much energy! I have so much energy!”

Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?

My 6-year-old wouldn’t stop playing “the floor is lava” so I put a pair of socks on him and told them they were lava-proof, and now he’s mad because I’m the one “making things up”.

Another mom asked me if I had found the big L on my kids’ heads yet. I got super offended thinking she was calling my kids losers. It was lice. She was talking about lice.

Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣

“Daddy, I want to watch Dora.” Sweetie this is Dora. It’s the one where she plays an NBA basketball game against the Brooklyn Nets

Why do they say “character actress”? Is that to differentiate them from the all those actresses that only play walls and bits of furniture?

*coworker showing you a picture of their newborn* Nice, nice. What is that?

My spirit animal is fried chicken

911: Ma’am the emails are coming from your garden! Get out of the yard now!! A botanist is on the way!

Spinach: *laughs maniacally*

*seductively mows lawn to Careless Whisper*

My dad thinks I have so much free time that he bought me a book of 1000 dot-to-dot puzzles to “keep me busy”

The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false

If the kids knew there was a light in the attic, they would leave that one on too.

If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.

[getting a retweet]

“I’VE BEEN PUBLISHED”

Meanwhile, a pug wearing an ugly Christmas sweater is having a doggy wedding in Central Park, while I can’t even get a girl to text me back

I love selfies. They kill more people than sharks

I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.

So we have to sing happy birthday when we wash our hands but what key though WHAT KEY

[on the phone with an ex while violently twisting and stabbing a voodoo doll]

Are you sure you’re ok?

A reenactment of ketchup in the 16th century. So delicious, they were all deemed witches.

Yes of course the covid exposure notices are scary, but nothing shakes me to the core like an old fashioned classroom head lice letter.

A true master of balance is someone who can saunter over to your table, drink in each hand, while being three sheets to the wind, and not spill a drop!

[Darth Vader sitting down]

DV: *takes sip of smoothie before spitting it out* What’s this?!? I said strawberry-banana!

Aid: We thought you might want to try kale again for your health my Lord

DV: You thought?

*begins force choking*

You have kale’d me for the last time

‘We’ll give you something to complain about.’

~pharmaceutical ads

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win