Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Giraffe: That’s the most disgusting thing I’ve ever seen!
[5 min later]
*vomits*

YOUTH 1: lol

YOUTH 2: wtf

YOUTH 1: lmao

YOUTH 2: ikr

ME [trying to fit in]: obgyn

Ruffles? Oh you mean the corduroy chips?

good work, detective

any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together

Life’s too short for 1-ply friends. You need people who can handle your shit.

*guy shows me his Chinese character tattoo*
“It means wisdom”

*I show him a Batman BandAid on my arm*
“It means I was brave at the doctor”

Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars

Premarital counseling should be having the couple put together IKEA furniture with limited Wi-Fi connection. #weddingparty #romance

Cashier: Would you like a receipt?
Me: Absolutely. This was the best Pop Tarts buying experience of my life & it’s going into my scrapbook!

GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?

ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills

The first sin in the Bible was eating an apple. The second was murder. That escalated quickly.

You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.

[tries to blow a kiss]

Kiss: I have a boyfriend

“And you sarge, got anyone special back home?”

“An Internet commentor. Wants me to provide facts against his point. Said he’d wait for me.”

YOU (trying to insult me): I bet you’re fun at parties
ME (insulted but the wrong way): I am not! How dare you

I choose my underwear for the day based on how likely I am to have sex.
Today I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway.

I can’t find my toddler.

I can’t find the duct tape.

I’ve got a bad feeling about this.

Typical day, where a billionaire posts a screenshot of your pinned tweet with you cropped out of it and gets more likes and retweets than your original tweet. I’m so glad he enjoyed it.

my mom making me talk to relatives

teacher: what would you like to do when you grow up?

Edgar: *shrugs*

teacher: Poe, try

Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago

I 100% believe Aliens live in the Bermuda Triangle. It’s like fishing for them.

The first few months of a baby’s life are crucial and so it’s important that they see mom or dad playing Mario Kart.

[first day as a teacher]

*smashes chair on ground*
“Do I have your attention now?!?”

[the lamaze class seems confused]

nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret

My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.

I’m just a girl adding $132 worth of merchandise to my cart so I don’t have to pay the $10 shipping charge.

[Job interview]
“What are your strengths?”
Me: I fall in love easily.
“Erm, okay… what are your weaknesses?”
Me: Those blue eyes of yours.

My son wants a new iPhone for Christmas and I’m having fond memories of when he couldn’t talk.