Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remembering the time we went to a party at a friend’s house, parked behind a row of cars, went in the unlocked front door, put our food on the table and I saw a family portrait and said, “OMG we’re in the wrong house!” So we grabbed our stuff and ran out the door. Totally normal.

me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what

If we are in a “do not laugh” situation, do not look over at me

Aliens traveled millions of light years to get here to visit New Jersey.

still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.

They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.

Pro-tip to avoid corona-virus

Eat garlic.

Lots of garlic.

It won’t do anything against the virus, but it will keep other people away.

A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress

I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.

Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.

No, Grandma. Still not married; but the lady in the Popeye’s Chicken commercials keeps calling me “Honey” so we’ll see where that goes.

I wouldn’t say I hate you but I would push you onto a cactus couch.

I spend a lot of money at Sephora for someone who’s got access to filters

[day 7 of quarantine]

zzz
　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　　　∧_∧　oh no
　　 (　･ω･) im late for work
　 ＿|　⊃／(＿＿_
／　└-(＿＿＿_／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

　＜⌒／ヽ-､_＿ lol
／＜_/＿＿＿＿／
￣￣￣￣￣￣￣

[ DURING SEX ]

Me: Who’s a bad hand!?

Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?

Me: yeah, kind of like-

*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*

Son: like that?

Me: exactly like that

Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.

[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille

*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!

doctor: now let’s step over to the xray machine
ray: the what

It’s not a dad bod, it’s a father figure.

At least we know scientists somewhere are finding a way to make humans sweat hallucinogens like those toads, so there will finally be a perk to all this stress about climate change and we all have a happier apocalypse.

Medium: You want to contact your late husband?

Me: Yes.

Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?

Me: OMG it’s him.

If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.

the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy

My mother-in-law threatened me the other day and when I say threatened, I mean she told me that she was going to live until she was 100 years old

“I’ll take movies for $500 Alex”

Tim Burton directed this dark tale starring Johnny Depp & Helena Bonham Carter

“You gotta be kidding me”

how do lawyers not cry when arguing

Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?

15: The tears of my enemies…

Kids are fun.