Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Juliet: *Sees Romeo’s lifeless body* Eh, it was like 4 days.

Shakespeare: *From overhead* No, you’re distraught! You also want to kill yourself.

J: But, I’m only 13!

S: C’mon you agreed to this. You’re the lead!

J: Fine! *plunges dagger into heart*

– Shakespeare Pressure

Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.

Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?

Bored, but not “go to the mall the week before Christmas” bored.

hey yall i’m subletting my room from 6:15pm-8:57pm tonight while im at the gym, $76 + utilities

wife: Why is there a broom in the driveway?
me: So your mom doesn’t have to borrow the car

Him: who’s a good boy? Are you a good boy? You’re a good boy aren’t you yes you are

Dog: good god, Gary, how can you still not know?

She texted me, “I love U”

So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”

Now my CD’s are missing.

Weird!

I love when you stroke my ego.

My ego is inside my panties.

i wonder if it’s possible to swim from one end to the other in a pool filled with mashed potatoes ?

[sylvester stallone hides behind something in a movie]
me to no one: they don’t call him sly for nothing

If I could travel back in time to before the pandemic to give myself one bit of advice, it would be to steal more stationary from work. Much more.

at my funeral, I need one of you to stand up and ask if you can have your toaster back

[courtroom]
JUDGE: “In the case of the State vs Waldo, Jury- how do you find the defendant?”
LEAD JUROR: “…we uh…haven’t yet”

The tampon aisle is a terrible place to pick up chicks.

My boss was all, “Do you know why I called you to the office, ” and I was like, “I dunno is there a hidden security camera in the bathroom.”

Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.

Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.

90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan

*Forgets to stir pasta for 4 seconds*

The Pasta:

*Shaking Magic 8 Ball*
“Will I ever not feel tired again?”
*Magic 8 Ball erupts in hysterical laughter*

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.

Prayers for my distraught 5yo whose pet ice cube just melted in his apple juice

If you encounter a bear DON’T RUN. Maintain eye contact. Keep maintaining it. Fall in love. Marry the bear. Tell story to your grandbearbies

Doctor: How in the world did you manage to swallow this?
Me: (harmonica sounds)

My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting

every night i say to my husband, “go up without me, I have to take my vitamins” but I’m just eating cookie dough

I lost my car chapstick so I’ll have to replace it with purse chapstick and I’ll replace purse chapstick with kitchen chapstick and I’ll replace that with bathroom chapstick and then that moves the bedroom chapstick…

I’m never going to recover from this.

chumbawamba: I get knocked down

me: so relatable

chumbawamba: but I get up again

me: oh nevermind

My daughter (6) has started writing negative reviews of my parenting. It’s been great for her handwriting.