Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

SF is the wild wild west man

Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!

A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.

I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are

when a toddler tells a story

welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird

[planning heist]
Me: then we access the vault
Guy: I don’t think they have a vault
Me [mocking]: yeah I bet they jus leave the Mcflurrys out

Steven: Good evening

Stephen: Good ephening

Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?

I feel like Trump and Hillary are two divorced parents fighting over custody of us but we kinda just wanna go live with grandma.

*Wife busts me installing locks on man-cave door*

Wife : Great idea! That will keep the kids out!

Me : Uh… yeah. The kids.

Adoption Agency: it takes a village to raise a child

Hamlet: feels discriminatory but ok

*Goes to zoo to see the world’s oldest tortoise.

Guide: He’s over 200 years old. How cool is that?

*Tortoise says something racist.

[at my funeral]

So young, how did he die?

He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”

just wait til i figure out what algorithm means

[playing 7 minutes in heaven]

doctor: ok lol plug him back in now

[to girl i just brought home] watch your step, i was playing with my legos earlier

The last time I was 100% sure about a decision was in 3rd grade, and that box of 64 crayons with the built in sharpener didn’t disappoint.

8 yo was asked to sign a contract to agree to class rules at school. She said to the teacher, “It’s not a valid contract if I don’t have a choice.”

If someone says “long story short” two or more times in a conversation, punching them in the throat is acceptable.

20s: insufficient funds

30s: insufficient fun

When I’m old, I’m gonna giggle uncontrollably, squirm, and go all sack of potatoes on my son when he tries to get me in the car as payback.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:

Why aren’t you helping me??

*starts to help*

You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!

I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people

[first day as a doctor]

Welcome to the hospital! Can I take your order?

WIFE: He makes everything into a wood pun
ME: This couch has such great lumber support
WIFE: See??
THERAPIST: Try to stop
ME: Oakey dokey