thug: do you have a gram
drug dealer: yeah
grandma: [ripping off thug mask] then why don’t you ever visit
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Well the fat lady started to rap so we really don’t know what to do
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
My problem is I always think I can get ready in 15mins when I have repeatedly proven that I can’t 😂
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
I wanted to hear the pitter-patter of little feet so now my cats wear tap shoes.
Magician: Is this your card?
Me: Oh my god, it is!
Magician: Well thank you, it’s very thoughtful and heartfelt.
Me: You’re welcome. Happy Birthday.
We currently live in a house with one bathroom.
Therapist: That’s not what I meant by why do you cry at night.
I lost my job at NASA Mission Control today. I misheard when they said, “It’s lunch time.”
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
SPOILER ALERT: the girl the singer of The Piña Colada Song meets turns out to be “his own lovely lady!”
WIFE: *reading news* A body was found outside the bakery but they can’t identify it.
ME: A John Dough
HER: Get out!
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Pro Tip: If you stand outside a restaurant wearing a red jacket, people will literally just give you their car.
*stops by new neighbor*
Welcome, I brought you a cake!
-Wow, thank you! You know, you didn’t have to do that!
Oh, ok.
*walks away with cake*
I demand Lisa from high school face me in a public debate about why she made out with Craig when it was MY BIRTHDAY PARTY
Spotted in New Orleans.
Everyone keep an eye on Uncle Ronnie…he’s drank about 12 Mountain Dews and just mumbled, “I’m Batman.”
ME: I’ve been depressed lately
DOCTOR: Okay, well, try this new med but watch out for possible side effects like depression, mood swings & emotional instability
ME: what
DOCTOR: what
“Predators are essential for a healthy ecosystem,” I explained as I released a bobcat into the airduct
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
My son (4 years old), who has grown up watching us talk to Siri and Alexa, thinks you can talk to anything that has a screen or is plugged into the wall. This morning he told the toaster to order him a new lego set.
They’ve postponed the Olympics, so I’m going to back off the intensity of my workouts.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.
spicy snake
[first day as a stand-up comedian]
batman: how’d I do, alfred?
alfred: i felt like your dad.
batman: proud?
alfred: 💀💀
[When my kids have ignored my text for 2 hours]
Me: I would appreciate a reply, please.
[When I have ignored my kids’ texts for more than 5 seconds]
Kids:
hello??
??
??
???
pls
plss
wya
??
???
BRO
Just saw a license plate that said “LUV SLUG.” I hope it shrivels up when they salt the roads in the winter.
Always remember to look for the end of the extension cord you left in the yard before taking a piss.