Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Man texted: “I want you to be my little angle.”
I answered: “Do you want me to be obtuse, right, or acute?”

Two days have passed, no reply.

[undercover FBI agent who’s had me under surveillance for weeks decides to blow his cover] do you ever stop eating?

I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”

my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:

*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*

you never realize how long a minute actually is until you’re exercising.

If you’re asked, “What’s your biggest weakness” in a job interview, just be honest and say carbs.

Can’t go to sleep. I’m not sure if I should blame the cup of coffee I had at noon or vintage clown doll sitting at the foot of my bed.

*looks at 4 children*

“You leave me no choice.”

*eats last 3 cookies*

Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.

*flagrantly eats a waffle with a pancake*

“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture

As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.

Conversations get real after midnight.

11:59 pm – “I love ramen noodles”

12:01am – “I feel like I can trust you. I killed a man once”

a badder mouse

I scratched my wife’s makeup case but the damage was only cosmetic

Technically every mocking reply to a crypto bro is an NFT, because it’s a digital record of them being owned

Sensible dad: I’d like to buy 3 ‘fleeks’ & 7 ‘swags’ for my son.

“Sir this is Urban Outfitters”

Do you have any ‘baes’?

“Please leave”

Coworker: First case of coronavirus in our city.

Me: *coughs*

Coworker:

Me: *hands coworker gun* You know what needs to be done.

Coworker: You choked on water. I saw you.

Me: YOU KNOW WHAT NEEDS TO BE DONE.

The worst thing about switching from Android to an iPhone is the almond milk.

Ted Cruz is complaining about “liberal fascism,” so I guess he’s just stringing random unrelated words together, like “potato doorknob.”

Me: Want me to carry you?

4-year-old: This time, I’ll carry you!

*tries to lift me*

4: Never mind. You’re fat.

Pal – “Can you help me put this IKEA desk together?”
Me – “I’ll need a screwdriver.”
Pal – “Sure what type?”
Me – “Greygoose or Kettle One.”

If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.

[Jesus’ dating profile]
I love wine that’s made from water, taking long walks on the ocean and going to supper w my friends.

Has anyone checked Kate Middleton’s attic for a half-played game of Jumanji? I just don’t think we can rule anything out at this stage.

Her: I’d really love some flowers.

Him: Orchids?

Her: No, just flowers.