Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

OMG you guys!! I have abs

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…olutely no desire to give up tacos and beer.

The worst thing about that mime stealing my woman was when he silently laughed at me

[job interview]

What’s your biggest weakness?

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!! Sorry about that. Questions, definitely questions.

*does the Dirty Dancing lift with a slab of ribs*

Guys in the 90’s who got the barbed wire tattoo on their bicep, but only half goes halfway around your arm, you come up for air yet from the decades of drowning in pussy?

#Caturday

Me: [Donating my body to science.]

Science: [Donating my body to Goodwill.]

Whole Foods announced that a Prius left their lights on in the parking lot and now I have the store all to myself.

I put the I in Insufferable.

I called the neighbor boy a ruffian, and now I’m writing a terse note in calligraphy to send off to his mum via carrier pigeon.

Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids

Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄

Me: *pulls in driveway after not finding what I needed at Target*

[text from wife]: I’m in the checkout line, where r u?

Me: *backs out of driveway*

Just before bed my 1yo ever so gently kissed her baby doll, softly placed it in the oven of her play kitchen, and closed the door. I’d say big sister practice is going pretty well.

The worst part about breaking up right before Halloween is now I have to explain at every party why I’m dressed as half of a horse.

Amazon Review Guide

⭐☆☆☆☆ – I’m angry and taking my slight inconvenience out on you
⭐⭐☆☆☆ – Your product is crap
⭐⭐⭐☆☆ – Average
⭐⭐⭐⭐☆ – Great product!
⭐⭐⭐⭐⭐ – Average but I feel bad leaving a lower rating

I hate killing bugs so instead I spend hours trying to get it in a cup so I can toss it outside after accidentally taking off 3 of its legs.

It’s fascinating how an “ouchie” a toddler experiences can immediately be fixed by giving it kisses.

Walked into a wall? Kiss
Bumped your head? Kiss
Looked at a tree the wrong way? Kiss
Bit a carrot too hard? Kiss
Pooped? Kiss and then a diaper change

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.

I have a video appointment with my doctor.

I’m going to hang a photo of an empty examination room in front of the webcam and show up fifteen minutes late so he can experience what I normally go through.

The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.

2044: the weekend becomes sentient.

2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.

I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.

At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!

A male president? What if he gets a BONER and it presses the button to launch all the nukes

Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.

Tell the guy at the first drive-thru window that you want the guy at the second window to throw your food into the car without you stopping.

I yelled SHIT! while watching the football game and immediately followed it up with, “Sorry buddy,” to my 10 yr old.

10, “It’s ok. It’s football, you can say shit during the game and not get in any trouble.”

A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.