thug: empty your pockets
me: (bursts into tears) women’s clothing doesn’t have pockets!
thug: I’m sorry for upsetting you. Here’s $30
me (sniffing): and where exactly am I supposed to put that?
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I remember this one time I peed in the pool. The lifeguard yelled so loud I almost fell in.
Men: “once you get married you never get any sex”.
[wife walks around the house completely naked]
Every man: *continues to be completely hypnotized by whatever sports game is on*
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
The Wendy’s Baconator is my favorite burger that also sounds like a pig from the future who’s here to kill you
Little did he know that his foot powered filing system would have made him billions if he had only thought of a better name
– The Ped-o-file
bananaphobia: when you don’t have any nagging fears but your therapist puts you on the spot so you pick whatever you had for breakfast
I quit enjoying makeup sex when I realized he looked better in mascara and blush than I do.
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
*waving arms wildly* holy shit whose arms are these?!
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
My 4 year old told me to just turn the tire around as the top part isn’t flat. I don’t care if it’s wrong – that’s still some great logic.
My ex husband went to buy a lotto ticket & never came back, I guess he won, haven’t see him in over 20 years
[wife walks in on me showering]
“Why are you wearing swim trunks?”
No reason.
[she glares at me]
SO MY TEMPORARY TATTOOS DON’T COME OFF OKAY
I never forget to eat but I do eat to forget
me: i feel like you only want me for my body :/
the demonic spirit possessing me: no elle, why would you think that?
Ladies, if you think being clumsy is cute, I once stabbed my date in the gums with a fork trying to feed her a bite of spaghetti
Someone just quote tweeted me to call me pretentious, but they misspelled it. I’d correct them but…
Me:
Pale people: I’m so white that I’m translucent, no one is as pale as me, last week my uncle thought I was the ghost of a Victorian-era cellar boy
It’s 97 degrees outside and my kids want to sit in the hot tub. The devil needs to come pick up his children
Step outside your comfort zone to plan a play date for your kid with a parent you’ve never met before and endure an hour of small talk in 40 degree weather (because indoor play dates are too risky) only to have your kid ask “and now what?” the second they get back home.
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
Where do surfers learn to surf?
At boarding school.
ME: I’m ok. I’m ok. It’s just cramp.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: Ok, tie your other lace and lets do this.
When the doctor asks about my sex life.
Anyone know how to create an Outlook rule that sends every email to junk, deletes it, blocks the sender, and sets my laptop on fire?
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
Usually I have to go faster than 30 for that to happen
Our friends: [just married] we want kids
Me, to my wife: [excited] omg babe maybe they’ll take ours
thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes