Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.

*runs a marathon how Mick Jagger dances*

Any tool’s a hammer if you’re mad enough

My manipulation started when I was young and I realized I could pretend to be asleep and someone would carry me to my bed.

Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.

This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.

I hate people who make grandma mistakes.

“Don’t you mean grammar mistakes?”

*Slaps green Jello out from her hand*

I know what I said.

no, autocorrect, i am not searching for self adhesive bondages

BRITISH PERSON: cheerio

AMERICAN: cheerio cream filled deep fried flamin hot donut burger

This snow makes me want to wear a nice sweater by the fireplace and frame my neighbor Gary for murder

i was a competitive fencer in high school and spent 20+ hours a week training and many weekends at tournaments, which absolutely destroyed any chance of a social life. thats right. i can literally say “when you were partying, i studied the blade”

I went to the doctor this morning and I have mono.
At my age I think I should have surround sound.

I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.

How weird was the first robber to wear pantyhose on his face

HEY JALAPENOS!

Me doing the macarena dance

Her: let’s role play

Me: ok I’ll pretend I’m a firefighter

Her: hot

Me: *narrows eyes*

Today is my favorite holiday of all. Happy I swear this top fit two weeks ago! to all who celebrate

Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”

I can’t wait!

You have an October wedding, I’m bringing a 12 ft skeleton as my plus-one, Tamantha.

“Is there really a fire? Prove it.” -Mrs. Doubtfire

3: [eating] I want Pirates of the Caribbean

me: yeah, well people in hell want ice water

3: [smiling] I already got ice water

Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.

on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps

If your nose ain’t running and your eyes ain’t crying, it’s not a good curry!

My mama always said: “If you can’t say anything nice, try to mumble it under your breath…”

Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do

Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.

The smoke detectors just went off in my house and no one even looked up from their phones.