Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Blocked: 1985

I need all your thoughts and prayers, I’m fine, but my niece is staying with us and I forgot how many questions a 9 year old asks

2022 will be better than 2021

if I had a girlfriend I’d cook a giant scallion pancake in the shape of a poncho just to keep her warm

Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.

Marriage Tip: Always be dumber than your spouse at math so you don’t have to help your kid with his math homework.

Stranger: Where did you get peanut butter scented sunscreen?

Me: Sunscreen?

you’d think someone who calls themselves a rat-catcher by trade would be more prepared for having a rat thrown at them, just goes to show people aren’t always who they say they are.

[kangaroo court]
Lawyer: I’m afraid my client has jumped bail.
Judge: Who is surprised by this?

problems i need

ME: (in prison) Come on man! I know you can bust us out of here!

KOOL-AID MAN: *closes his bible and looks up* I’m not about that life anymore.

A forest fire is the world’s way of adding black trees to the forest community.

nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”

Week 1 of diet: 10 more pounds to go

Week 2 of diet: 15 more pounds to go

Apparently “What inning is it?” is not a valid Football related question. Sports are hard.

Just settled a divorce over Parrot custody/visitation. Neither may teach it negative phrases abt the other.

I went to law school for this.

At my age I’m worried about tripping and falling, so I wear a helmet. I’m also worried about looking ridiculous, so I carry a skateboard.

just took a call from a patient whose bday was 04/20/1969 and had him repeat it to me 3 times

I’m glad we’re finally banning plastic straws. It’s about time we started caring about camels and their fragile backs

The pharmacy will look you straight in the eye with no line of people and tell you it will be 20-30 minutes for them to take some eye drops off the shelf behind them and put them in a little bag.

My dad wrote me an unusually sweet and detailed text about how proud he is of me and my accomplishments and it’s so nice to see that even at his age he’s learned how to use ChatGPT

My neighbor must be having a rough day. I caught her sneaking out her bathroom window while I was sneaking out my bathroom window.

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

I’m fighting for free speech. Mine not yours you need to shut the f*** up

Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets

Once I went to a concert and I tried to throw my panties up on the stage but I suck at throwing so they landed in the crowd like four feet ahead of me and I was asking some guy, “Hey can I get my underwear back? Sir. Can I please. Get my underwear back. Excuse me?”

Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.

Terminator: I’LL BE BACK

Me: Ok so I’ll see you…termi-later haha

Terminator: Actually I probably won’t be back