Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.

i told my roommate i was going on a date tonight, and he goes “let me see what you’re working with” so i did a pose 💅🏽

and he says “not you, the guy” 😭😭

GARY BUSEY: I WANNA WRITE A BOOK
HIS AGENT: gary that’s a bad idea—how’d you feel about a ghost writer?
GARY: SCARED AS HELL BUT I LIKE IT

i don’t trust anyone who says they miss high school

I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash

The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.

Aladdin: 🎶I can show you the world-

me: I’m cold this is boring

If covid gave people face sores like monkeypox does, this pandemic would have been over on May 1, 2020.

Language is cool because it’s just a bunch of sounds, but put them in the right order & you can make someone cry or you can order tacos.

How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.

ME: do u like smart guys

GIRL AT BAR: yes

ME: sorry i wasted your time

People really out here threatening to take twitter to court for suspending their account.

Me on my 5th acct: but, like why?

“Your password is weak.”
Well so is my desire to do anything about it.

Due to Corona, we officially have three days of the week

1. Yesterday
2. Today
3. Tomorrow

My doctor’s office just called to confirm my Pap smear tomorrow. They told me I’m not allowed to bring any guests. So if I had previously invited you to this incredibly invasive procedure, unfortunately I have to uninvite you. Sorry.

My date wouldn’t let me drive him home after The Substance because “we haven’t been seeing each other long enough” for him to throw up in front of me. He literally just walked home in the rain to vomit with dignity. Five star movie.

I saw a billboard that said, “Be her Romeo” and featured a pic of a diamond ring. Apparently they have not read Shakespeare.

If you ever need me, call me any time, day or night, and I’ll return your call when I get around to it.

Damn girl are you a cobweb cause you’re really clingy and annoying

Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.

I love my kids, but not “Puts reindeer antlers and red nose on my SUV during the holiday season” loves my kids.

Hate when you hire a shady mercenary in a tavern by throwing them a leather purse of gold coins they never give you the purse back. Im getting fucking murdered on leather purses here

Whenever I tell her that I want to put my Butterfinger into her MilkyWay, she Snickers.

T-REX: So you going to Tim’s surprise party?

TIM TRICERATOPS (behind them): My what?

RAPTOR: More like Tyrannosaurus Wrecks EVERYTHING

Everyone knew it was Superman behind those glasses, they just didn’t have the heart to tell him

your honor if it pleases the court i brought homemade brownies for everyone

If your drinking story doesn’t involve law enforcement, I’m not listening.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

me, turning into a werewolf: get out of here. it’s not safe

girl: [holding a tennis ball behind back] i think i’ll b fine lmao

“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off