Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: My dog ran away two days ago

Dog pound: Does he have a tag?

Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?

I saw this anti-aging cream that promises to give you, “A neck that can turn heads”. If you’re so old that your neck can’t turn your head, you’re going to need more than a cream.

I may not be a ten but I am definitely couple of fives held together by cheese

I basically called this earlier today

I just want the confidence of someone who can sneeze without crossing their legs.

I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.

Customer Service Person: is there anything else I can help you with today?
Me: Is this a date? It feels like a date now.

what is the evolutionary advantage of depression, you ask? well what if our ancestors didn’t get the plague because instead of hanging out with people, they were bumming out at home

Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away

In honor of the birthday of Noriyuki ‘Pat’ Morita, today I shall find a kid getting bullied and teach him Karate by having him fix my car and house.

Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.

My dad : My mom :
Disciplined Graceful

🤝

Me : Disgrace😭

I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic

Every marriage has one person who throws things out, and a garbage-loving chaos goblin who says “But I was saving that!”

*my cat, who has 3 different beds and a cat tree* I must sleep on the clothes you have laid out for the day

Everything that my lip balm is, I want to be.
Rich, Hydrating, and Age-Defying.

I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation

*Making friends at the playground*

My 6yo: How old are you?

Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?

6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.

My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.

You are the pebble in my shoe of people.

“You can’t have 80° and 30° weather in the same week”

Midwesterners: hold my beer

Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?

I’m pretty sure the rule at Starbucks is the slowest employee makes the drinks

*all the animals gathered around Adam*

Lion: Tell us again how you named us

Deer: Yes tell us tell us!

Adam: Well I-

Lumpsucker fish: boooo

Adam: I just-

Cockchafer beetle: BOOOOOOOO

[Snow White accepts poisoned IPhone]

Android user: See?

I think having a highway to Hell and only a stairway to Heaven says a lot about anticipated traffic numbers.

humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out

Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.

Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.

Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?

PRIEST: What is your view on celibacy?

ME: I thought her vocal performance on Goldfinger was outstanding.

Sorry I was late I was trying to separate my shopping cart from another one