Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s impossible to slowly tiptoe around without activating T-Rex arms.

Hospice was my favorite spice girl,

into all kinds of freaky things and took good care of my grandma

I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.

Wow, you forget to buy beer a few days in a row and suddenly your husband is offering to do the grocery shopping, my plan is working, guys.

So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”

Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.

rumpelstiltskin: your child is mine unless you can guess my name within three days

barista: oh no

Why are ghosts always just moaning? Did your manners die too? Use your words!

Wanna go out with me?

Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.

so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”

[ouija board]
“Spirits are u there?
I A M H E R E. Y O U W A N N A T A L K? Y O U W A N N A H A N G O U T?
[squints]
“A needy board?”

Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”

Me: “I would wait.”

WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge

ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART

i like when people have names where clearly their parents couldn’t decide between two and they just have to live with Jennica

Missed my workout yesterday which makes it four years in a row

You don’t scare me. You’re not my mom saying, “I’m gonna tell your father” after she found out I broke the TV.

*in the cinema, quietly reading the book of the movie*

tired: rom-coms sold us lies about love
wired: rom-coms sold us lies about building a career in journalism

[meeting]
Bill: we’ll call it BILLOSOPHY
Phil [pulling out briefcase and assembling gun]: Good idea! Steal my board idea now this? Not again

And the award for Best Actress goes to…*opens envelope*….my 4 year old daughter for her overly-dramatic scene in “Bath Time”.

I don’t have a yoga mat, but I have a Twister mat, and it’s the same thing.

Gonna turn my life around!

[10 min later]

Oh well, I tried.

“How do you feel about this combination of paint?”
“Well, mixed emulsions really”

(with the most anger i’ve ever experienced in my life) ok sounds good

Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?

Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–

Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.

me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.

I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.

I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.

Dear Gym,

I feel we should have an honest relationship, so it’s only fair you should know…

I’m just using you to get into my own pants.

So glad I spent $50K on university instead of saving for retirement; I’ll be the most well-read indigent in the VIP area under the overpass.

I’m still in disbelief that 9/11 coincidentally happened on September 11 (9/11)

Blind dates are the best because they can’t see me stealing all of the food from their plate