*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
My gal pal: “Are you on a diet? You look so nice & thin… What’s you’re secret?!”
Me: “Poverty.”
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I don’t eat three meals a day but I do eat six midnight snacks.
People hate on frozen pizza. It’s tough on the teeth, but so refreshing on a hot summer day.
Priest: You May now kiss the bride.
Goth couple: *scowls*
Priest: *Sigh* You may Now bestow one final graven kiss upon this queen of winter throned.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
me the second it drops below 70 degrees
i hate the assumption that people who get up early are doing it to be productive. i’m up at 6:30 am to watch movies
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
[face down in a bowl of hot soup]
waiter: is everything ok?
me: *bubble noises*
When you don’t know if the headache you have is due to dehydration, stress, or lack of coffee so you just drink more coffee.
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
This all started with Meghan’s friend setting her up on a blind date with Prince Harry. My friends are actually useless.
Koolaid kid: *walks through doorway* Hi dad
Koolaid man: Young man, if you’re living in this house you’ll crash through the wall like the good god Madison Avenue intended!
me: *applies to cult*
cult: no thx
me to God
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Confetti is shot outta cannons at my funeral. Everyone picks through it wondering why it doesn’t look right. “Oh god. Are these her bones?!”
When I find someone else’s grocery list in a shopping cart I use it….see where it takes me.
A young Bruce Wayne falls into a cave full of pugs. He later becomes Pugman and keeps the streets of Gotham clean and downright adorable.
“want to go grab some dinner?”
*lights cat on fire* sorry I can’t my cats on fire
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Let’s all bow our heads and pray for my husband who very tragically asked me what I did all day.
If you want your uninvited guests to leave, seat them comfortably in the basement, then go upstairs and watch TV.
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
I pull my pants and underwear down to my ankles when I pee at a urinal and when I drink at a water fountain
[on a stakeout]
COP: did you bring your walkie talkie
ME: no but I do have a runny nosey