*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
You Might Also Like
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
Keep in mind that “The Cat in the Hat” is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you’re gone…
My kid just locked me out of the house in 95 degree weather, but sure, “it goes by so fast.”
Play Nickleback during my funeral. Because I want everyone who attends to really cry.
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
A tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches in the area.
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Avoid talking politics at Thanksgiving this year by getting a sweet neck tattoo the day before
I wouldn’t call it ‘passive aggressive’, but I do send the glitter Christmas cards to the people who annoy me.
My timeline is flooded with ads for push up bras. I know I’m out of shape but that’s just mean, Twitter.
Fun prank: replace all your phones with rotary phones and your wifi with a dial-up, then watch your kids move out.
Coaching softball is wild because you get to call timeouts to teach valuable life lessons or sometimes just because your pitcher lost her tooth and she needs you to hold it for the Tooth Fairy.
Been trying to eat healthier. Saw this sign and was just like “damn. I sure do.”
It’s so weird, when I was a kid BBC Radio 2 played dated songs for old people – but they must have had a policy change over the years cuz now they seem to play cool, awesome songs for young people like me!
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
Haunted Houses should be open year round. Some of us want to get chased with a chainsaw in January.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
Excitedly told everyone for Christmas I got the Bog Witch to remove the curse on our family and instead of being happy they’re just like, “what curse?” and “why do you keep angering bog witches??”
Like, who cares? None of our kids will be born with hooves now. Just say thank you.
GOP in 2008: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2012: Obama is Hitler!
GOP in 2016: Ok Hitler actually had some cool ideas
I haven’t seen Lost, Dexter, or The Walking Dead. But, I HAVE been to Walmart.
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
Bands who can’t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
[floor creaks inside mansion]
Robber 1: shhhhhh…
Robber 2: …
[Fitbit buzzes]
Me: HEY GUYS I JUST GOT MY STEP GOAL
interviewer: what’s your biggest strength?
me: flattery
interviewer: uh ok and your biggest weakness?
me: that smile
interviewer: 😳
I fed my dogs spaghetti so they could kiss, but instead they’re growling over a cold meatball and not sitting still for my painting.