“Thunder only happens when it’s raining. And players only love you when they’re playing.”
I wish more songs would combine weather facts with relationship advice.
“Earth’s highest recorded temperature is 56 degrees. And women like a man who has a lot of DVDs.”
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
My ex texted “You’ve got a friend in me. XoXo”.
I thought she was being too nice until I realized that she was talking about my buddy Dave.
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
When someone says “More on that later”, I hear “Moron that later.”
And I want to say “You’re moroning it now”.
neighbor kid, play fighting: are you ready to taste pain?
my kid, mumbling under his breath: I’m ready to taste cheese
Imagine my surprise when I found out “restraining order” did not mean she wanted me to tie her up.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
Woke up with a hangover to the sound of my neighbor cutting the grass. He can cut around me, I’m not movin’.
my son spilled spaghetti sauce between the couch cushions, and immediately said “I guess it’s the Marinara Trench now” and I have tears of joy
Bikes are held up by witchcraft if u can ride a bike you are a level 1 wizard & if u can ride a unicycle you are a level 2 dork haha owned
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
– Are you upset?
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
Typing…
– No.
You know what a cubicle basically says? It says ‘We don’t think you’re smart enough for an office,but we don’t want you to look at anybody.’
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
So according to the news today apparently Facebook is still a thing
just baked a deliciously fragrant apple pie. gonna leave it to cool on my windowsill. should be fine
I was gonna get on the treadmill, but then the couch will get sad
“Experts” need to stop blaming that 2020 Halloween candy shortage on me.
Idk y men go to bars to meet women? Go to Target. The female to male ratio is 10 to 1 and they’re already looking for things they don’t need
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
waiter: is something wrong
me: what asshole serves quinoa with a burger
waiter: sir, don’t hate the plater…
me: oh no
waiter: hate the grain
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
Me: Did you throw your carrot-sticks in the grass?
3yr old: No, the crow did it
Me: You know you must always tell the truth, right? Fibs are bold
3yr old: *points out window
Me: *See’s crow stealing and flinging carrot-sticks in the grass
3yr old: It’s nice to say sorry.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
ALLIGATOR: I’m gonna eat you
ME: But we could be friends. You could be my palligator
A: Ok for that I’m gonna somehow try to eat you twice
Well, son, when a man loves a woman very much he expresses that love by slowly transforming into a human sloth.
Telling our kids we were born before the Internet is going to be the new ‘I walked to school in the snow without shoes’
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
