Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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Monday morning looks like Jack Nicholson breaking through the door in The Shining.
[restaurant]
WAITER: here’s your check
ME: can we split it
WAITER: yes of course
DATE: *reaches for card*
ME: no it’s cool me and the waiter got this
My friend Luke didn’t realise until he was an adult that lukewarm was a real temperature, he thought it was just a term his mum used to describe his bath water.
Me: You must train hard to beat Kylo Ren.
Rey: I already beat him once with literally no training.
Me:
Rey: Look. I still have two hands.
Pope joins twitter. Quits being Pope. Takes twittercide to a whole new level. Your move, drama queens.
The armadillo implies the existence of a legadillo.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
My 7yo was pretending to be a bunny, and my 8yo was trying her best to train her with carrots. In the middle of their play, my 8yo came up to me with a big smile, “thank you for giving me a bunny to play with.”
I like to say I don’t hold on to anger but I’m also still pissed at that chick that came to my bat mitzvah and then didn’t invite me to hers.
Who are we?
CLIENTS!What do we want?
WE DON’T KNOW!When do we want it?
RIGHT NOW!
Unfortunately for Jane and Skipper, the hypnotist forgot to bring them out of the trance.
My 3yo came home saying he learned how to sit “criss cross pizza sauce” and I just want to know when they changed it from “applesauce”.
Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
I do so love when I’m not on twit for a few hours and when I come back there’s something that everyone’s alluding to and I get to slowly piece together what happened like I’m reading the log on an abandoned ship
*requests to be buried in jaws of T-Rex skeleton so it looks like I went out fighting*
Today’s short poem is called ‘Passwords’.
Me: So excited for the weekend!
Predatory alien in disguise: Same here! Sooo easy to catch, right
M: Huh
P: The weakened
M: What
P: What
shop assistant: do you need help?
me: yah but i’ll settle for finding the vodka aisle
Him: Hey, we haven’t spoken in months!
Me *grabs his face* and now you’ve ruined it
Trying to explain that I’m fascinated by Japan for wood joinery reasons and not nerd or pervert reasons.
It’d be ironic if deaf people hung out in heards.
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.
It’s above my pay grade to try to debate or change minds on social media. If you want to call a fish a squirrel, you’re right. Look at that squirrel swim
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
Chicken pot pie sounds like such a good idea. If you add commas.
I will cook for you
-me, threatening
i made a promise to myself that if i ever get an island the first thing that i will do is put some dinosaurs on it.
The summer’s almost over, and I gained 3 beach bodies.
Writing cuss words on the white space of textbook pages is marginally offensive.