Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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[My band playing on stage]
New GF’s friend: Which one is the boy you’ve been seeing?
New GF: *sees me playing accordion* He died
🍛
I had to buy our dog flowers because I accidentally called him our old dog’s name.
That old expression: “hold the phone!” doesn’t work anymore because everyone is already doing that
ME: Hey they’re playing our song.
HER: This isn’t our song.
ME: [turning up “Go Your Own Way”] Yes it is, Karen. I want a divorce.
Just killed a cricket at work, and, long story short, I’m now being asked to audition for Riverdance.
I caught two kids smoking pot outside my office. Fifteen minutes later my boss caught me and two kids smoking pot outside my office.
I let my son go to bed last night with his Nintendo Switch and he called me a good dad. This parenting shit is easy!
Seventh-Grade Class Scrambling To Piece Together Teacher’s Home Life From Desktop Background Before PowerPoint Opened
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
5: how many numbers do you love me?
Me: awww I can’t even count how much I love you cause I love you soooo much
5: aw I love you 24
but how do I know if a guy hates me FOR ME
The loudness of the sound made by setting a plate in the sink is directly proportional to the number of sleeping people you are trying not to wake.
It’s funny to me when a movie character takes a drink of hard liquor “to clear my head” or “so I can think straight,” like that isn’t the exact opposite of how alcohol works.
The reason I don’t trust polls is because the people being polled are people who willingly answer the phone when an unknown number is calling them
“OK…that Trust Exercise didn’t go exactly according to plan. Once we dispose of the bodies let’s keep quiet about this…AS A TEAM!”
Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
if ur tinder bio says u wanna go on adventures don’t be complaining about how seasick u are when we’re halfway across the atlantic in my uncle’s boat
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
I feel a little cheated when someone’s bio is in English but all their tweets are written in gobblety gobblety.
My arm could be chopped off and I could be covering the wound with paper towels and my wife would be like, “Too many. You’re wasting them!”
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
white people be like “omg i saw this hack on tiktok” and it’s just adding salt and pepper to their chicken
The correct response to “I love you” is “prove it”
And then Satan said “water down the gravy”
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?