Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
You Might Also Like
Cop:alright now repeat after me
Me:repeat after me
C:no not yet
M:no not yet
C:put your hands in the air
M:put your h..
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility
peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs
uncle ben (scared): ok.
If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.
Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.
Her: Go deeper!
Me: *panics and start quoting Hemingway*
Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.