Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.
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This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
[being interrogated for my involvement in a bank heist]
COP 1: give us a name
ME: big bird
COP 2: a real name
ME: millard fillmore
COP 1: no you idiot, someone you know
ME: nana
[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
I bought a new scale today.
Can’t wait to get home and throw it out the window.
The big twist in GODZILLA VS KONG is they both find out their mother’s name is Mothra
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
When your teen is already bigger than you are…
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
I’m so glad I cleaned the house so the kids have a clean canvas to drop their stuff everywhere.
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew
You never realize how many people you just don’t like until you try to name a baby
“Compassionate capitalism” is when they use phrases like “I see you, I hear you, I feel you” before they begin the wage theft
I am not “living in fear”, I am “making reasonable efforts to not get COVID again because the first time I had it I ran a fever so high that I briefly met God and got to ask Him about His favourite wing sauce”, hope this helps
When the ex asks to be friends… it’s like your mum telling you that your dog is dead but you can keep it.
Wife: our toddler just hit me.
Me: hell no! I’m gonna teach her a lesson in manners.
[later]
Me: manners origins date back to the 1700’s and the French word etiquette, which is all about socia-
Daughter: I’m sorry.
Me: please don’t interrupt we have 320 yrs to get through.
wife *sees chair* [thinking] That would look great with the new rug in the living room
me *sees chair* [thinking] Chair
Saw a teen couple buying condoms in the pharmacy so I let my grandbaby run around their feet & whispered ‘that’s the brand my daughter used’
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
The best way to meet new women is outside a sex change clinic.
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
I needed a laugh this morning.
Saw a sign that read “Free Coupons”.
What I want to know is what kind of terrorist would hold coupons captive in the first place?
[chess tournament]
RIVAL: [plays move]
ME: [knocks board aside. punches rival in face] Chess!
COMMENTATOR: He’s won every round this way
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE SITTING ON YOUR GLASSES
[deserted Island]
other survivor: we should only use our water for emergencies
me: *waiting on my sponge dinosaurs to expand* obviously
Guys, I found it.