@Mardigroan

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

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@DaddyJew

Cop:alright now repeat after me

Me:repeat after me

C:no not yet

M:no not yet

C:stop

M:stop

C:put your hands in the air

M:put your h..

@daemonic3

In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.

@Dustinkcouch

uncle ben: remember pete, with great power comes great responsibility

peter parker: you’re right i should stop crimes with my webs

uncle ben (scared): ok.

@garrettbarry70

If by mathematician you mean dividing the number of snacks in my car by the number of miles I need to drive, then yes, I’m a mathematician.

@FeverFlave

I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.

Me: So that’s a no?

@joshgondelman

Whenever I watch a home invasion thriller, I’m mostly terrified by how I’ll never be able to afford to own a home.

@Alex_N_Chains

Today on “Dora the Explorer”, Dora and Boots learn there are some places they can’t explore when Map leads them to an armed border patrol.

@Cheeseboy22

Parenting tip: If your kids are fighting in the back seat of the car, stick your arm over and swing it around a bunch. That’ll show em’.