Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift

Maybe if you knew Garfield’s parents were murdered on a monday by anti lasagna activists you wouldn’t be so judgmental.

If by “junk in the trunk” you mean the untouched gym bag I store there, then yes, I most certainly have junk in my trunk.

The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.

Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?

What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?

Being an adult means I’m in charge of my own bedtime, and I’ve realized I’m not equipped to handle that responsibility.

Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?

Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread

i don’t really care how u met your partner. tell me about how you met your nemesis

6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈

Me – Why?

6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂

Me – 😢

He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.

And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.

Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.

The Pope quit. Meteor in Russia. Snowing in Arizona. Star Wars and Star Trek have the same director. Who the hell is playing Jumanji?

You can’t hurt me. You’re not how I look first thing in the morning.

911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead

Wife: I’m seeing someone behind your back.

Me: *frightened* Are… are they there now?

wife: do you need help in there?

me: Kristin please. i just need the pin number for the microwave

I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.

At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.

I love that “take out” means food, dating, and murder.

my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it

*has no girlfriend or kids*

*gives out dating and parenting advice*

My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.

ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park

COP: no

ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol

COP: I’m not

Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog

How to pick up chicks:

1) Go to the bar.

2) Shout random “Star Wars” quotes.

3) When a woman yells back the next line, marry her.

A Peeping Tom was hospitalized after falling out of a tree. Appropriately in the ICU.

It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.

Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down

A fun thing for an author to do would be to have the last line of the book be something like “he said, in his Jamaican accent, which he’d had this whole time.” Make the audiobook narrator have to start the whole thing over.

Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!