thunderbolt and lightning
very, very frightening me
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
(mashed potatoes) mashed potatoes
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My wife just caught me naked FaceTiming someone so can one of you pretend to be a TeleMed urologist?
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
I’m only listening outside the bathroom door to make sure you’re not touching the decorative hand towels.
Pro-Tip: Always remember where you buried the bodies.
According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m a family of 8.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Somehow my beach-bod went to a dad-bod and unfortunately now it’s more of a beached-dad-bod.
A guy told me I’m bad at flirting and I got so mad I took back all the dead birds I nailed to his door.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
Good News: Got rid of the skunk smell on the cat using hydrogen peroxide, dishsoap & baking soda
Bad News: the cat now looks like Billy Idol
handy tip: if a bigger dude wants to fight you, immediately start crying so people just think you two are breaking up
It’s funny when you tell someone that you don’t like people, they always think you mean other people.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Don’t be fooled, sheeple. That Blood Moon thing tomorrow night? Just a ploy by Big Nature to get us to look up from our phones.
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
If there’s a kid acting like an adult in your ad I will not buy your product and I’ll buy your competitor’s product even if I don’t need it.
16: this guy in gym today said he had a chest infection
Me: did he say if it was it Chestually Transmitted?
16: I’m sorry I tell you anything
Me: he should be refraining from Chestual activity
My daughter told us that she learned the life cycle of a frog, and when asked to recite it, she said, “eggs, tadpole, frog, prince, ex-husband.”
Any jar is a swear jar when the lid won’t open.
If drinking too much alcohol makes you an alcoholic, does drinking too much Fanta make you fantastic?
thinking of starting a true crime podcast. gotta explain this search history somehow
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
Date: I can’t believe you never saw titantic
Me: To be fair, it did sink before I was born
A bodybuilding and pastry shop business called John Cena-bon
Looking for investors
*Drunk dials Mr. Clean
My house is soooooo dirty right now.