Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit

This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋

I just discovered that a serving of Oreos contains 8% of your daily iron needs, since most women don’t get enough iron it would be irresponsible not to eat several servings a day, you’re welcome ladies

[wife comes out wearing pretty dress]
me: that’s my favorite dress
wife: aww, how swee-
m: take it off
w: but we need to-
m: I wanna wear it

Sir, I cannot take you seriously. You’re wearing capris. Capris. CAPRIS.

[watching basketball highlights] These guys never miss

I sold a lawn mower on facebook marketplace today. That’s the last time my neighbor wakes me up by mowing his lawn at 6:30 am.

*discretely picks a booger*

*slyly wipes it on her blouse*

Funeral Director: Sir, we can see you and narrating it just makes it worse.

[Veterans Hospital]

GRAMPS {waking from 72 year coma caused by D-Day head injury}: Did we beat the Nazis?

ME: Haha, well…interesting story

[Commercial for X-Games]

Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?

Of course climate change is man-made. It’s all been meticulously orchestrated by the Titanic survivors, seeking revenge on that iceberg.

Others: if you want your house to smell like xmas take a pot of water & add sliced oranges,cinnamon sticks, vanilla, peppercorns, cranberries, forage for 3 pine branches and simmer all day

Me: lights xmas candle

I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!

*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*

Adds magician to resume

Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.

I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

Think before you yell at your kids. They are the ones who might have to bring you toilet paper in 20 minutes

With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be

Props to the guy who numbered combo meals. Ordering a number four combo meal sounds a lot better than ordering a double quarter pounder meal

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

You know when you’re starving, and your buddy starts looking like a succulent roasted chicken? Everyone has experienced this. Well It would be cool if when you were really full, a roast chicken started to look like a little 5 lb man

Pilot: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking…

Me: *sitting upright in bed* How the hell did you get in here?

Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.

Dear women who just gave birth,

Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.

Sincerely,
The rest of the human race

Me: “As a single dad, I find that–”
Her: “Uhhh, we’re married.”
Me: “Right, but I’m the only dad.”

Blood is thicker than water and a lot harder to clean off the walls.

I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.

there is no greater joy than helping to make a friend’s dream come true

I’m a leader, not a follower… Unless it’s into a dark place, then screw that, you’re going first.