Thursday
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I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
The only thing worse than thinking of what to make for dinner is then having to cook it.
Looks like the mayor is getting serious.
I never sit around waiting for anyone except for the pizza delivery guy..him I’ll wait for
Me: This week was long as shit, I’m exhausted, I have nothing to tweet.
*one minute after turning out light*
My brain: The fictional reality the super-rich have created for themselves is the Yacht Matrix.
Is it “butt” naked or “buck” naked? Either way, this dentist appointment is making me very uncomfortable.
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
[In the White House war room]
Me: You know Militia would be a great name for a girl.
the beatles really said “i am the walrus, i am the eggman” and the world was like “ok”
Why would werewolves OR vampires need or want to go to high school
[doctor presses play]
couple: maybe a different donor
“I’ve said too much already.“
“All you did was blink.”
“Yeah, but twice.”
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
one day you’re young, sexy, and have all the confidence in the world, then you blink and you’re 44 and drunk chaperoning the elementary school field trip and trying to hit on the ben franklin reenactment guy
Sunday
On Facebook:
Them: Look! We’re at the beach!
Me: Look! I’m in your house!
There are two types of people, those who can’t keep a secret and those who can keep a secret for like five minutes
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
Wrote a tweet that said “Pizza is never divided by politics.” Was about to hit send.
Then I remembered pineapple .
teach a man to fish and fish will hate him forever.
My dad told me a guy who claimed to be the drummer for steppenwolf stole his wallet in the Sacramento airport so I pulled up a picture and he was like “wow that’s the guy”
The 9th rule of fight club is no roller skates. honestly guys I don’t know why we keep having to say this.
One time for my child’s birthday party, I accidentally sent the kids home with whistles in their goodie bags. I lost 47 friends that day.
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Bought my daughter a scratch ticket this morning and in 5 minutes she’s asked 20 times to get another. Is there an age limit for gambler’s anonymous?
SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
Oh good. Another podcast set decorated with bobble heads. Remember when nerds had the the good manners to be ashamed of themselves?