Thursday
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You should walk a mile in my shoes but make a U-turn at the half mile mark because I’m gonna need those shoes back.
Running out of time to be a Trophy Wife, so now just hoping to be an I Finished The Race Tshirt Wife.
Damn … History Channel 😀
#archaeohistories
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
Therapist: where do you think your fear of chickens came from?
me: well, I am not certain but
Me, to my kid: Pay attention! You’ve got to focus, it’s important in life…
Me, two minutes later: Where’d you go?!
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
May I get your name? Yes, its “I’m The Only Person Here Waiting For Coffee.”
HITMAN: Who’s the target?
ME: [slides photo across table]
HITMAN: You..want me to kill Shrek?
ME: Not Shrek [taps photo] his talkative horse
Me: Pork chops, in a sherried cream sauce, with roasted garlic and dried chanterelles.
Her: So cream of mushroom soup.
Me: Basically
I love playing catch with my dogs when I’m drunk, because I don’t have dogs when I’m sober.
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos
“We need a solid plan to defeat ISIS.”
Galaxy Note 7: I have an idea
My wife looks for signs I’m cheating, but seriously, who would make a sign?
Questions my toddler asked me this week:
– Which is better, a tree or yogurt?
– Do frogs know that they are frogs?
– Why do they still make regular blueberries when the chocolate ones are better?
– Were you ever alive?How about your kid?
brain: did we get anything done this weekend?
me: no
brain: ok then at least we relaxed
me: somehow also no
“Every action has an equal and opposite reaction.”
– Isaac Newton, observing me on a date
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
how many times did you see your kids tonight after you put them to bed and why is it 87 times?
How wrong was this guy?
My 5yo: Mommy what are shark cooties.
Me: …. What?
5: Ava said shark cooties are her favorite snack.
Me: …..
Me: CHARCUTERIE. She likes charcuterie.
6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Why can’t medications have positive side effects? Like “may make everything you eat taste like chocolate cake” or “may make you remember why you walked into that room the first time”.
you either dated people in middle school or you’re funny now
My neighbor shouldn’t put up a fake graveyard for Halloween if she doesn’t want me getting drunk and performing Thriller every night at 2AM.
Protip: When an office says it’s paperless, it usually does not include the restrooms.
me: my dog won’t stop laughing at me
vet: this is a hyena
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
I heard God is testing both of us at the same time wanna hang out