Thursday
You Might Also Like
[creation]
GOD: You are all special in my eyes
KANGAROO: I don’t feel that special
GOD: Look in your pocket
KANGAROO: Holy sh-
I’m naturally funny because my life is a joke
IT guy: Your keyboard won’t work because it’s full of crumbs.
Me: *flashes back to eating Nature Valley granola bar at desk* Weird.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Hilarious when peoples outgoing voicemail message says they “can’t make it to the phone right now.” You carry the phone with you. It’s the only constant in your life
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: Is this your card?
ME: No
MAGICIAN: This one?
ME: No. When is our regular postman back from holiday?
The fact that the Mayans invented chocolate just goes to show what a civilization can achieve if they are willing to do human sacrifice
[dollar store]
ME: how much are your dollars
CLERK: a dollar
ME: okay I’ll take one dollar
CLERK: that’ll be one dollar
ME: thanks
CLERK: have a nice day
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
Me: *getting off the couch*
I’ll be right back.Dog: I would really feel more comfortable if we went together.
ME (wakes up from coma): whatve I missed
WIFE: Trump’s running for prez & the Cubs are favs to win the World Series
M: haha ok but srsly tho
“Hey what should we call our multi-million dollar juice company?”
“Juicy Juice”
“What? Are you sure? Why don’t we-”
“Juicy. Juice.”
Polyamorous: in a relationship with more than one partner
Monopoly-amorous: plays board games with more than one group of friends
Worst bar ever.
Twitter is my serious account. The funny one is my bank account.
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
if i can have dinner w anyone dead and alive, i’d pick kate middleton
I swear to god after this election I’m taking a long break from social media for 2-3 hours
If sleeper cells advertised themselves as napping cells, they’d see a huge increase in membership.
They suggested I elevate my feet and so, I was wondering if your shoulders were available.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
Congratulations a celebrity blocked you. You were so annoying that they noticed you through all the Twitter noise. You must be a real prize.
I won $5 on a scratch-off lottery ticket, so it looks like someone is buying name brand aluminum foil this week.
A poor analogy is like a bad comparison