Thursday
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[trying to make it work with this really good looking girl that I have nothing in common with] ok what’s your 12th favourite juice?
You can’t hurt me. You’re not a disappointing sandwich.
[breaking up with a guy]
Me: It’s not you, it’s me. I’m much, much smarter and cooler than you are.
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
My super power is getting hungry as soon as someone says the food won’t be ready for two hours.
her: your costume is highly inappropriate
me: oh relax, it’s not like it’s a “sexy” hot dog suit haha
her: well, regardless it’s time for you to give the eulogy
I hope that the missing puzzle piece my 5 year old has been searching the house for has nothing to do with my 2 year old’s burp.
Just watched 3 people jogging outside and it has inspired me to get up and close the blinds.
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Expectations vs. Reality
My husband: This marriage is getting a bit crowded
Me: WAIT…WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?
My boyfriend: Sorry to interrupt–this is so awkward–but can someone please pass the mustard?
What do you call a lazy crawfish? A slobster.
🤣 I’ve got a million of them.
🤕 Who threw that shoe?
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
WIFE: You’re very quiet. What are you thinking?
ME: They should call the receipt the cashier gives you a ‘buyography’ and the one from the self-checkouts an ‘autobuyography’.
HER: Sometimes it’s ok to say ‘nothing’
My son is 6’2” and he just said loudly from another room “god I can smell my feet from here and I’m standing up” so yes, I will be burning those shoes
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
please stop saying things like “ur so hot” and “your jokes have both emotional depth and the refreshing originality of a self aware intellectual” and start saying things like “here is ten thousand dollars”
Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
priest: richer or poorer sickness and in health?
her: I do
*clears my throat*
priest: and if he wanted a boston terrier or take singing lessons?
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
be safe out there!
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.