Thursday
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Married life is waking up early to preheat your wife’s car. Then taking $10 out her purse as a tip for your services.
Overheard a woman telling another woman “It’s $150 and she supplies all the turtles” and whatever it is, I’m in.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
[at the mechanic]
me: my car makes a funny noise. listen..
mechanic: that’s the horn
I’m invited to a wedding this weekend.
I have two days to come up with a disease or cut off a finger.
20 minutes: I have plenty of time
15 minutes: OH SHIT
Sometimes you just have to throw away a few sheets of perfectly good printer paper so it can hide all the candy wrappers in your trash can.
Tried to be sly and shove the whole cookie in my mouth without him seeing me.
Then he turned around and asked me a question.
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
I’m not sure what the record is for hotdog eating contests, but the record for tofu dog eating is less than one.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
[date]
ME: do you have kids or pets?
HER: a son and a cat
ME: what are their names?
HER: John & Batman
ME: nice! my son is also named Batman
Yes, Barbie gave us unrealistic body standards. But she also gave us unrealistic expectations about boyfriends being willing to wear matching neon outfits and rollerblade with you.
Twitter is like swimming in the ocean. Sometimes, it a beautiful sight. Occasionally, you find others like you. And you have no idea how many times you’ve passed a shark.
If you lick me, I taste like vodka.
Okay, I taste like a potato, but still…
just got sacked from my job at a think tank for thinking about aeroplanes
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
The human race: shoots a math problem into space
Aliens: ah christ a species of nerds
Realtor Dog: if you’d like to buy this house, pee here… and here
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Bartenders should put a pink straw into every woman’s 4th drink, as a signal to all the men in the bar, that she’s ready.
“ur password is weak” well so is my memory so please let me keep it
MOST RESTAURANTS:
Waiter: “Have you dined with us before?”
You: “No.”
Waiter: “Oh! Well, (*proceeds to describe a normal restaurant*)”
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
crush: i really like music
me: *gets jealous of music and rips off crushes ears*
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?