Thursday, 4:01pm
“Still there.”
“Yep.”
“Looks blue.”
“It certainly does.”
“Wet too.”
“Totally.”
“See you next week?”
“Count on it.”
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Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
ME: pssstt psssssttt! hey kid! wanna get high?
KID: mom, just throw the treehouse ladder down, and get out.
I can’t tell if Michael Cera is actually an actor, or just an awkward guy who keeps wandering onto film sets and does his best to fit in.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
Wife: We need to go to the store. We’re out of milk.
Me: We can wait a few days.
Wife: We’re out of beer.
Me: *dives in the car*
My favourite kid I ever taught when I was a swim teacher was this little 4-year-old Italian boy. One time he sneezed and nobody said anything so he just went “what? No bless yous for Giacomo?”
[afterlife]
ME: is this heaven or hell
SPIRIT: idk why don’t you bing it
ME: oh noooooo
Remember in 90’s movies when the hot girl would enter a party in slow motion? That’s what happens when I walk in a buffet.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
My friend is really bad at multitasking. Sometimes I’ll be on the phone with him and he’ll say “I’m going into an elevator” and hang up
Relationship Status: just tried to pet my dog and he turned his head so I pretended I was reaching for a leaf that was next to him
[getting kidnapped]
me: you deserve better
Cop: Where were you on the night of July 19th 2009?
Me: Well I had diarrhea that day
Cop: That was 10 years ago. How do you remember that?
Me: *slamming fist on table* I have diarrhea every day
Poor character written by an author who has experienced poverty: My problem is that I’m $300 short on the rent and now my car is making a noise
Poor character written by a rich author: My problem is that I feel so inferior beside these beautiful, sophisticated rich people
Dog tried taking me for a run. I wasn’t having it. I made her drag me the whole time.
The ideal marriage is when your spouse runs the worm unit
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Papa john’s: order a pizza!
Mama john’s: we have pizza at home
We never got the wreath, but we put up the hanger. This shows intent.
My eyesight is so bad that, after I took my contacts out last night, I chatted to my cat for 5 mins before I realised it was my handbag.
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
I’d never impersonate an Uber driver and show up at your house.
That would be crazy.
I realize that choosing a pasta can be a confusing and difficult decision, but for the love of all that is holy, move your cart to the side.
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
My clothes don’t fit anymore.
There’s only one possibly explanation.
America is shrinking my clothes.
Just finished a book about an immortal pet dog. I couldn’t put it down.
Kids today will tell you how they hate tomatoes while eating chips and salsa.