Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Hey boy, are you a software update because not now

Religion: because reading one book is a lot easier than a whole bunch of hard ones.

*Takes off clothes
*Enters meeting room naked
*Coworkers gasp in horror
*Slowly backs out of room

[whispers] “you said debriefing”

*scampers over to ice cream truck*

Yes, I’ll take the SpongeBob who looks like he just opened the Ark of the Covenant, please.

Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.

Dude last night asked me “do you walk like that on purpose?” and I’ll think about it forever

I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.

*In a Bedroom at a Halloween Party*

Woman Dressed as Nurse: That’s a cool effect.

Man Dressed as Dracula: Vat effect are you referring to?

Her: You’re not casting a reflection in the mirror.

Dracula:

Her: oh

Sharp cheeses are so much better than dull cheeses

I don’t like who I become when an online form expires in the middle of me filling it out.

“Happy Anniversary to you both, may you have a long marriage with many more years ahead” she hexed.

Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir

Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?

Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir

I stepped away from Twitter for a few days, and now my entire house is decluttered, I’ve written a novel, I learned to speak a new language, and came close to finding out the true meaning of life.

what is joe biden’s plan to make everything bagels less messy to eat

If I’m ever on COPS it would be titled “When Suspects Attempt To Pet The Police Dog.”

Put my back out twerking in the library again

I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.

I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!

Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.

“Parkour” I yell, as I fall during my sobriety test

I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.

What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space

My tiny son awoke with this thought, “Mommy, my dream was glitching. Why my dream was glitching?”

*scrolls Netflix for The Matrix

It’s time.

I got a final Jeopardy question right and now my pinky won’t stay down when I take a drink

Understand men, or die trying.

Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.

Or tweet trying, to understand men.

i’m lonely just not “inventor of the boomerang” lonely

…u ok Nintendo?

For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.

My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.

*is at the movies with hot date*
*does fake yawn to put arm around her*
*yawns too hard and inhales a child from the row in front*
*dies*

[1st date]

HER: My favorite movie is Zoolander, how bout u?

ME: OMG SAME

HER: What part’s ur fave?

ME: Um [sweating] when he lands a zoo