Thursday Thought.
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i’m convinced the only british slang words you’ll ever need in life are tickety-boo & throwing a wobbly
Church should be less preachy and more eat-y.
To think, these Olympic divers were once annoying kids making their parents “watch this” as they did the same exact lame dive 37 times in a row
Buzzfeed be like, “Tell us what Hogwarts house you think your dog belongs in and we’ll tell you what you had for breakfast.”
No benevolent god would make bears look like that and then tell us we can’t give them belly rubs
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
If your cat has ever accidentally fallen into the tub while you were taking bath, you’ve known chaos.
My tupperware bowl just reminded me that I had spaghetti in 1999.
A mummy comes back to life, and is disappointed to be desiccated and decayed.
“This was a better idea on papyrus”
Am I perfect? No.
Am I trying to be a better person? Definitely not.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
With the rise of self driving cars, it’s only a matter of time before we get a country song where the guy’s truck leaves him too.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
i want the met gala theme to be “work from home” and celebrities just wear designer sweatpants and shirts with holes in them
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
them: can i call you? It’s really difficult to convey in a chat msg
me: try harder.
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
I should invent a fake kid to give myself more things to tweet about. Oh, you’ll never guess what Jayden did today! He sneaked out of preschool, stole a school bus, and drove to Atlantic City. Lost almost two grand on a craps game. He is such a little handful!
Me: *In kitchen loudly eating carrots.
Dog: *Asleep in bedroom
Me: *In pantry, munching on Oreos.
Dog: *Loudly snoring in bedroom
Me: *Opens fridge, looks at steak.
Dog: *Already sitting expectantly next to me.
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
Espresso Patronum!
– Me warding off morning people
i wish there was a way to online shoplift 🙁
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
Thaw me like one of your french fries
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
Me: Check it out! I’m juggling!
Wife:
Me:
Wife: You’re supposed to use more than one ball.
Me: Can’t you just be happy for me?
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.