Thursday Thought.
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Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
My wife and I have our calendars synced to both of our phones.
I forgot I have a gynecologist appointment next Thursday.
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Me: [cracks open a can of beer]
Priest in confessional: “What was that noise?”
Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
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ME: [shouting upstairs] dinner’s ready!
6YR OLD: what are we having?
ME: you’ll like it! trust me!
6: I ain’t falling for that shit again
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
Almost hit someone with my car just to get their attention…
It’s safe to say that flirting isn’t my strong point.
The British sentence that is never complete:
“Excuse me, can I just… thanks”
Is it okay for men to sit down to pee? The manager of this sofa store doesn’t seem to think so.
My 6yo showed me her Christmas gift list, so I told her it was great she’s giving Santa many options so he can choose what to get her and she said “What do you mean? It’s only 13 things I want”.
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
can’t talk rn I’m busy cyberbullying people who paint over solid wood antique furniture
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
Wife: You know Frosted Flakes aren’t healthy, right? You should be eating better at your age.
Me: The tiger says they’re forty fived with vitamins and minerals
My wife asked what I thought of her new blouse and I used the word “slimming”, I explain to the other homeless people.
Listen, it took 5 Guys to make that burger. That’s why it’s $16.99.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Real person: Do you have Twitter? I’ll follow you! Me: Nope, sorry. Don’t have a phone or a computer. Or a microwave. Hard times and all..
My first class ticket to the weekend never arrived, so I went couch.
Them: Can you help me?
Me: I don’t work here.
Them: Oh, sorry. *leaves*
My boss: You need to stop doing that.
It still hurts that my parents never came to any of my violin recitals. I never bought their flimsy excuses, like “You’ve never had any lessons” and “You don’t even have a violin” and “That’s a banjo and a stick.”
100% of car accidents happen within exactly five miles of something. If you’re within five miles of anything right now, move.
instead of renting an apartment im going to save up for a lighthouse and go insane in it