Thursday Thought.
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DATE: I think nervous boys are cute.
ME: *responding with confidence for the first time in my life* Excellent!
DATE: This date is over.
curly fries are my favorite as they’re salty and spiraling, like me.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
Go to an open house and ask the realtor if they’ll stand in the basement with the door closed so you can hear if screams are audible outside
sticking my hand out the car window while driving, for science
The term is sous chef not Sioux chef. It’s a role in the kitchen not the leader of a proud indigenous tribe.
[Australian recipe for upside down cake]
1: make cake
*first date*
Me: Tell me more about you
Her: *crazy eyes* WELL I HAVEN’T STABBED ANYONE LATELY
Me: *deletes Tinder* Let’s get married!
Detective: one of you is the murderer
The actual murderer: *remains calm*
Me, innocent: *starts sweating, heart rate goes through roof, displays every sign of guilt it is possible to display*
amazing news for movie lovers. i have just RSVPed yes to a wedding where the only person i will know besides the bride and groom is my ex boyfriend
You never say “I love you” back
Tater tots:
I falcon love using swear birds
Contractor: well it’s not really in an ideal location. Traffic patterns would be a nightmare, you can’t really get in and out of the parking lot easily, and there really wouldn’t be much parking for customers and employees.
Chick-fil-A owner: I’ll take it.
I invented a gun that fires strawberries, but it keeps getting jammed.
Dear autocorrect, please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
Why non-smokers don’t take bubble blowing breaks is beyond me
I tried to speak French one time, accidentally swallowed like 6 words
If an animal kills me in the wild, please take its picture with my body
Yesterday I found my first grader on her school computer designing a power point, and I just want to know why am I paying for camp this summer when I could just hire her for an unpaid internship?
I tell people I broke my neck playing sports but it was actually from flicking my ponytail to unleash ancient curses.
At my age, you check a friend’s FB page to make sure they’re still alive before wishing them a happy birthday.
‘Just Do It (Yourself)’
NIKEA
When it’s my time, I need one of you to promise me you’ll put a motion detector on my headstone that yells out “ouch you’re stepping on my foot,” to anyone who gets close. Please and thank you.
Hypothetically, when is the right time to tell your divorce attorney that you’ve never been married and you love spending time with him?
I’m sorry I pretended to be one of those inflatable flappy arm guys when you leaned in for a hug at church today.
I entered into a conversation so circular, my blood separated.
After taking this customer satisfaction survey, please take a brief survey to let us know how your experience taking our survey was.
Paste is one of those weird things that only seem to exist until Kindergarten and then disappears forever.
got my gf a manicure for our anniversary
