Thursday Thought.
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Today I tended my livestock (took the dog to the groomers), rescued wildlife (a turtle in the road), worked to put bread on the table (wrote shit copy for stupid clients), and then tilled my fields (spread mulch). Not braggin’, but I think I would have made a great pioneer wife.
Where on LinkedIn do I add my current gang memberships
Spiderman: Can I be in The Avengers now?
Captain America: Um sure.
Spiderman: What should I do?
Iron Man: You’re in charge of web design.
They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!
The last two weeks have been a strange ten years.
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Anyone else having trouble with their Satnav today?
I typed in ‘Cowes’ and it’s brought me here. 🤷♂️
Women’s voices naturally get higher as they get excited so if you’re in bed and she still sounds like Morgan Freeman, try harder.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
LMAO.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
My husband ate the rice I cooked for our new puppy and long story short his bags are packed.
I haven’t asked any of my coworkers what they’re doing for Thanksgiving bc I treat people the way I want to be treated.
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
My husband sneezed and now everyone on Nextdoor is asking what that loud noise was.
Friend: I’m pregnant
Me: You should have just got a dog
Relationships are minefields. Learn from me. Study. Engage. Other words that sound knowledgeable.
me: how is your pancake, bud?
3yo, rubbing the pancake on his face: it’s soft
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.
Me: Well, today sucked.
Him: It’s 9 AM.
My daughter is begging to get her ears pierced and promised she’d “still” listen to me even with holes in her ears.
Nothing creates permanent frown lines quite like receiving anti-aging skin products as a birthday gift
Remember when getting a babysitter for the night meant ordering a pizza and 20 bucks and not 25 an hour and not asking about their ankle monitor
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.