Thursday thoughts from my late father…
“Whadya mean you can’t change a tire. What do you think I sent you to college for?”
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Me: *walks into room*
My cat, hanging by two paws, swinging from the lampshade: Hi.
Me: *walks back out of room*
me: do you think i’m too stoned to drive?
my cat: yes
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
Jay Z: Can I get a what what?
Teacher: Jay Z, can you or may you?
Jay Z: SORRY MAY I GET A WHAT WHAT
Teacher: Yes, you may get a what what.
Paranormal investigator: “Who’s there?”
Gen X ghost: “Your mom.”
My sister: can you believe that I’m pregnant again! Must be something in the air
Me: yeah your legs
“I got you, babe.”
– kidnappers
Cop: Know why I stopped you?
The dead guy in my trunk?
Cop: Um, speeding, but my shift’s over, so proper burial and no more murders. Ok?
I got a notice we are taking company pictures today.
*walks in dressed as Super Girl.
How come Noah didn’t just slap those two mosquitoes?
Her: I can’t cook because, I “believe” I can’t cook. And you want to know what makes me believe that?
Me: The arrival of the paramedics?
Wins the Internet today. Night, all…
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Young man cashier: Ma’am, if you don’t mind me saying, you have really beautiful eyes.
What I heard: Ma’am
No one:
Me: Is my body still under warranty?
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
So uh… what level of jumaji are we on today?
[at Applebees on Christmas]
God: Your food good?
Jesus: Ya, it-
*a crowd of servers surrounds them*
Jesus: You didn’t…
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO Y
Boss: Ur fired
Me: Why?
[his phone rings & I instinctively drop-kick it out a window]
B: That
Me: My powers?
B: Call it what u want, but yes
Because of social distancing if someone cuts you off and gives you the finger you can’t get out and fight them which is why I now carry a jousting lance in the Jeep.
[moses parts sea]
Slaves: wow! Why we running away if u can do shit like that? Lets go back & claim the pyramids
Moses: thats my only trick
Not to victim-blame, but maybe Bruce Wayne’s father shouldn’t have brought his wife and 8 yr old son to a place called Crime Alley.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
I told y’all leave these retail workers alone with the TikTok pranks 😭
Don’t worry, guys. Together we can eliminate logic and reason on social media. I see some of you are already ahead of the game. Way to go
Me: Dark Lord, I am your devoted servant. Please accept this sacrifice as proof of my —
Satan: I have a girlfriend.
Maternity.
Sounds like you’re going to be pregnant forever.
cows are very calm considering the whole floor is food to them
You wouldn’t hate anything about yourself if the world hadn’t taught you how.