Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

My love language is deader than Latin

If anyone were to look at my bathroom they’d be positive some kind of a struggle took place.

But nope, it was just me getting ready.

Nearly one in two marriages end in divorce, so statistically it isn’t enough to make sure your own marriage is good, real wed-heads should actively be working to break other couples up.

I accidentally told my kid I paid for a toy “that Santa brought” and now I’m stuck in an elaborate web of lies please send help.

There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.

And they marry each other.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.

After how many years should you clean your microwave?

Her: My computer is running so slow!

Me: Really? How many browser tabs do you have open?

Her:

Me: Is it less than 500?

Her: Never mind.

I believe in workplace drug testing.

That’s why I slipped Ambien and Ex-Lax into my boss’ coffee.

Let’s test which one works faster.

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

I am at my most sexiest when I have to wash my hair twice in one day because I got ranch dressing in my hair from eating wings for dinner. Line forms to the left, gentlemen.

gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss

me: *whispering to guy* she is

Guys, stop telling women “you’re beautiful” get creative. Tell her she looks like she could beat Taylor Swift in a fight. Tell her she looks like she could make nachos that would **ck you up for a week. Tell her she reminds you of a guy you knew in prison.

[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]

*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*

“I…am…a…vegan”

I saw a TikTok where someone realized the filter for the air purifier they’d been using for months had the plastic on it the whole time

I thought “who could be this dumb?” but decided to check mine just for giggles

And guys you’re not going to believe this but….

I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.

I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…

All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.

~inspirational tweet

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.

Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?

6: what’s 3+1?

Me: 4

6: noooo it’s 3

Me: 3+1 is 4

6: nooooo it’s 3

Me:

6: the 1 is silent

I did NOT need to see this today!!!!

Snow is magical. It turns 6 parking spaces into 4.75 parking spaces.

I almost wish the guy I’m stalking would find me and call the cops. These bushes are scratchy and my legs are cramping.

Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.

If they really loved you, they’d absorb you through osmosis.

I never take my glasses off unless I’m sleeping or in the shower or sleeping in the shower

Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?

Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…

[leans into restaurant] hey do you guys serve chicken
hostess: we sure do
[holding the door open for my bird friend] perfect

Sample lady: Would you like to try a chocolate chip cookie?
Me: You have to tell me if you’re a cop.