Thursday
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I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
me after creating anything: i want the whole world to see this
brain: even people who know you?
me: oh god no
Ohhhhmygod my bra is showing? Should we tell everyone? Should we throw a dress code disciplinary meeting? Should we invite my middle school vice principal
His icy glare melts my creamy core. He’s so cold, beads of water drip down his exterior. My walls ache to be drowned by him.
-Oreo to milk
[McDonald’s]
CUSTOMER: small coke please
WORKER: for the same price you can get every single thing in the world
CUSTOMER: oh
WORKER: so do you want that
CUSTOMER: yes
WORKER: what else
Stop and smell the roses. Hug the roses. Procreate with the roses. Have little rose babies.
wife: sometimes I think you love bacon more than you love me
me: in fairness I never caught the tennis instructor in bed with my bacon
w: I despise you
Parenthood is where you spend 18 years saying no all because of that one critical time you said yes.
Saw a guy on the side of the road with a flat, he didn’t have a spare.
Seemed like he was working tirelessly.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
According to the signage in my state, guys named Ray own car repair shops or adult bookstores.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
I just smoked so much pot that I tried to order one of the dishes of food off the scrolling instagram menu.
My daughter can open just about any front door using a credit card, so your kids honor roll certificate seems a little useless right now.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
If it weren’t for addiction, I could have been a supermodel.
Bread is a hell of a drug.
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Once upon a time, mummy took 3 kids, 2 scooters, a buggy & a bike to the park then one kid fell off the bike, one fell off the scooter & one needed to poop and mummy had to push the buggy while carrying 3 kids, 2 scooters & a bike and they all cried all the way home the end
DO GUYS EVEN KNOW HOW TO BE GENTLEMEN ANYMORE?
Open doors for her
Carry her bags
Pull out a chair for her
Place your expensive jacket over mud puddles
Punch out her other suitors
Hang her father from his ankles so he knows who’s Daddy now
Hire hit-men on her exes
Buy her flowers
walmart boss: ur fired
me: is it cuz of what i did to the eggs
boss: it’s cuz u keep saying welcome to walgreensmart to the custome– what did u do to the eggs
me: is walmart not short for walgreensmart
If you live in a glass house you can’t hide getting stoned.
Burglar upon being confronted by the utter chaos of my house, steps back out the window.
“Next house. This one’s been done already.”
My husband: you don’t hear that beeping?
Me: The what?
Him: Its been going on for the last 15 minutes. How are you not hearing that?
*flashback to me reading as my kids orbit me crying and yelling “MOMMY MOMMY MOMMY”*
Me: Practice.
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
Lmao
