Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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I once broke up with a girl because she asked me to call her phone to help her find it and my number came up as “dude #3”.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
the most efective way to clean ur room, start a creative project, run errands, cook, brush ur teeth and take a shower is to study for a exam
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
The worst part about being a grown man is no one will give you piggyback rides.
I jokingly asked my mom if I was born with a tail and she started acting all weird like someone who gave birth to a baby with a tail
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul to keep
And if I die before I wake
Good
Yesterday was 2/22/22. Don’t feel bad if you missed it. 3/33/33 is coming up
Had a customer accuse me of working at home (I work in a quiet office), said she could hear my wife and kids in the background. I don’t know if she’s delusional or if I should get out immediately.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
Calling them “tricks” undermines everything I’m trying to do with the yo-yo.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
An adult trying to be mean has never hurt my feelings as much as a child just asking questions.
Yesterday a 5-year-old saw me without my glasses and, horrified, said “is that what you look like in real life??”
[taking a hearing test]
DR: Ok, now tell me what you heard
ME: I heard your wife cheats on you with the neighbor while you’re at work
DR: [tears forming] I meant what beeps and tones
I have the vim and vigor of someone the age that would use the words vim and vigor.
Whoever decided to spell it Albuquerque instead of Albakirky. You’re a fuquing quoqusuquer
Accidentally used AXE shampoo to wash my cat the other day and now he’s boxing strays and impregnated 17 dogs
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
All I said is that I didn’t know whether we were a Marvel or DC family and my husband and kids locked me out of the house.
People who say gays are destroying the fabric of society have obviously never seen what a gay man can do with fabric.
I’ll never have the opportunity to Say Yes to the Dress, but I’ll Say Yes to the Cookie like, three times a day. Minimum.
Welcome to your 40’s. Quality pens turn you on now.
I love The Wizard of Oz but all of Dorothy’s problems would have been prevented if she just kept Toto on a leash
He drinks a whiskey drink
He drinks a vodka drink
He drinks a taco drink
He drinks a pizza drink– me with a broken jaw
My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.
And for that I am infernally grapefruit.
The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Note to self: just because my phone has a camera, that does not make me a photographer or a porn star.
Why does my computer sound like it’s mining bitcoin whenever i open a browser