Thy pee runneth clear,
Hydration is near.
Thy pee runneth yellow,
Drink up, my good fellow
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You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
One of the great things about being a dad is how easy it is to launder my own desire for ice cream through my children
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
genie: you have 3 wishes
cat: i want to go out
genie: ok
cat: and back in again
genie: done
cat: and back out again
genie: ffs
A gentleman always straightens out the vending machine after shaking it.
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
Today I saw a bird shit on somebody for no apparent reason at all.
Then I thought of you.
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.
Fun prank:
Ladies, if your man ever asks “who’s your daddy?” During sex, throw him off by screaming “You’re not my real dad!”
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Nicholas Cage is the same character in every movie he makes, except Face off where he was John Travolta.
You come home early and catch the cat eating with a knife and fork at the table. You stare at each other unsure of the next move.
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
I’m so unpopular at school they call me “Batteries”.
I’m never included in anything.
WIFE: would you take a bullet for me?
ME: baby I’d take a bullet for anyone
People keep asking if they can help me by watching my newborn. She doesn’t make me watch cocomelon, leave toys all over the floor, or scream that her brother is looking at the her. Take the older two.
Hurry everyone! While Canada is getting baked out of their mind today, I think we can rush in and take all the maple syrup and free health care we can carry.
Me: *smug* I think you’ll find there’s a big difference between hearing, and listening
Her: that is literally what I just said
My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
It used to be a 5-second rule before doggo here whittled it down to 2 seconds
As a seasoned negotiator, I’ve created a complex list of demands that my children must complete before I’ll buy myself a foosball table. I mean buy them a foosball table
“A mean dog is terrorizing people a few towns over. I am going to drive over there & yell at him from my car.” – Barack Obama
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
Him: Your beautiful….
Me: My beautiful what? My beautiful WHAT?!!
I saw a tweet that said they wanted their first child to be a mail and all I did was respond, ‘Keep us posted’ and got blocked
My brother’s so homophobic that if he dropped his keys in San Francisco he’d kick them to Oakland before bending over to pick them up.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
New medication warning label says not to take in the presence of two or more goats.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that