TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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Sorry Taco Bell, but I came up with the Naked Chicken Chalupa before you did. Well actually Ambien did & I’m still banned from Taco Bell.
If the shoe fits, wear it. And if these shoes belong to someone else, walk away briskly.
Eating marshmallow fluff to intimidate the ghost that lives in my apartment
The sole purpose of your child’s middle name….is so they know when they’re really in trouble
Me: I know we agreed that you’d stay home but… things are tight right now, and I really need you to get a job
My Dog:
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
smoking a cigarette reduces your life by 11min unless you smoke it real fast then it only takes like 3 or 4
Party hack: Let your guests know it’s time to leave by having your child play a musical instrument.
Don’t fall in love with your therapist they are crazier than you are.
Maybe Aliens don’t visit us because they’re all women and they want us to make the first move.
Just seen a really sad documentary on the telly about a guy who works 60 hours a week crushing drink cans. It was soda pressing.
My kid says that I make the best brownies in the world, so I told her that some day she can make brownies as good as mine and now I’m praying that Duncan Hines doesn’t go out of business before then
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
“And you are?” she asked.
I puffed out my chest, hoping that if I angled my name tag correctly I could read its reflection in her sunglasses
World domination? I don’t even want to be responsible for myself.
5 days of cooking sausages lol I love this story
If you tell your girlfriend you think the girl at in the corner shop fancies you,
you’ll never have to pop out to get bread and milk again
My husband and I ran out of toothpaste a month ago and neither of us said anything out loud but we’re both waiting on the other to buy more. The silver lining is we are finally making a dent in 15 years of travel-sized toothpaste containers from the dentist.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
“Any new year’s resolutions?”
“No thank you”
My cousin stuffed her turkey and put it in her oven, which is not turned on, with the intention to store it there overnight rather than the fridge. “There’s no room.”
This is why you can’t eat just anybody’s food.
This time tomorrow that whole household will be at the ER.
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
Saturday
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
“You suck.”
“No, you suck.”
“Really, you suck.”
“Please, you suck.”
“You suck, I insist.”— Polite vampires.
A coworker just asked if I had any “mouth water” and I am thoroughly confused by this
Be kind to everyone you meet for you never know who got woken up at 3:20am by a kid who was “just not tired”.
I have been vegan for 11 years, but I was pinched by a crab today, and I feel it is only fair that I be allowed to eat one (1) of them as retribution.
When someone yells “Fire!” at my house, I’ll be the first to leap from the toilet and fall flat on my face because my legs fell asleep