TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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my favorite part about gambling is if you lose money you can just bet again and double the stakes and win your money back! it’s called strategy
A parakeet that won’t shut up equals dinner for fluffy tonight.
Don’t tell me you’re into the Halloween spirit unless you go into a haunted house willing to die.
Always a bridesmaid, never a bride. Because, I’m smarter than my friends.
“i hope this email finds you,” she threatened
When nothing is going as planned, but you’re used to it.
I dress like a murderer when I walk through the sketchy park outside my dorm so murderers will be like “Oh she’s cool she’s one of us.”
She asked me to buy Tampons so I bought Kotex, because that one time I wanted ice cream and she bought frozen yogurt.
Hey boy, are you a software update because not now
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Children really brighten up a home.
They never turn the lights off…
[playing the board game Guess Who]
Me: Is your person handsome?
5-year-old: No, they look like you.
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Mattel is launching a new Twitter Barbie. She looks like a stunning hot blonde on the package but is an old fat guy when you open the box
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
I would probably have too much fun as a mortician asking customers whether they would prefer “Smoking” or “Non-smoking” as opposed to “Cremation” or “Burial”.
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
What is a Sherpa?
“Let me summit up for you.”
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Anyone under the age of 21 should be legally required to end every sentence with the phrase “but there’s a good chance I’m wrong about that”
You want my friends and family rate? That’s double.
Talking about your ex makes it sound like you’re not over them. Hide their body and move on like a normal person.
Spell check is for lasers.
Maybe just avoid festivals named Fyre or Burning or anything fire related
Just know that if I pretend my hand is a gun and I start playing Russian roulette I’m not really listening anymore.
Welcome to your 50s. Commercials are too damn loud. Even on mute.
When someone starts making fun of my air guitar skills I just whip out my finger pistols and it usually shuts them right up.