TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
You Might Also Like
My new neighbor seems like a really nice guy. He just suggested trimming the trees that cover my bedroom window.
[marriage counselling]
Her: he always thinks he’s talking to me on CB radio
Me: I don’t, over
Her: It’s over
Me: It’s what? Over
[At the coroners’ to identify a body]
Me: “Yep. That’s a body all right.”
Me: yeah I have a girlfriend, but she lives in a different country
Friend: what country
Me: um… Iceland
Friend: what’s her name
Me:
Friend:
Me: um… Coldy
love printers. as all of technology evolves, they take a bold stand and say “no, not only am i not going to improve, i’m not going to even print” and that’s the type of product integrity i can get behind
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
2000 years ago:
god: i shall sacrifice my only son so that all may have eternal lifeToday:
god, watching us eat tide pods: jesus christ
One time I was out with a guy and he needed new jeans so he opened up maps and just typed in “pants”
Guys love legs. Women, if you can grow more legs that would be a major turn on
*maintains eye contact with the McDonald’s employee while slowly filling my cargo shorts with free napkins*
My neighbours just submitted a petition that I stop setting traps for stray pigs after I caught my 16th police man today.
[in Starbucks]
“It’s Ian with one i”.
“We only need your first name Mr Wivwanaye”.
Establish dominance over your cat by suddenly bolting out of the room for no reason.
CW: Why don’t you ever wear your hair down?
Me: It makes me look approachable.
CW: So?
Me: I don’t want to encourage that.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
“Did you remember to take the dog out?”
Ah crap, I forgot
[Dog storms in] I sat at the restaurant for HOURS
I’ve kept my tamagotchi alive for the past 15 years, so yeah Mom, I know what it’s like to raise an “ungrateful little prick”
This is the only cartoon analysis critic I will watch
on my monopoly game the community chest cards say shit like: THE REALTOR SHOWING THE HOUSE ACROSS THE STREET GIVES YOU $50 TO CLOSE YOUR GARAGE DOOR
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Mailboxes were invented so you know how far away you can be in a robe before you look like a mental patient.
you (uncultured): Ok.
me (cultured): Othousand.
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
I thought I drank my coffee too fast and thought I was hallucinating seeing bugs everywhere but it turns out I did in fact leave a window open and a bunch of ants got in
*Toddler grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, son.
*Husband grabs my shirt and pulls.
Me: Use your words, and tell me what you want, hon.
Hey everyone, try my new soft drink. It’s called MOIST