Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.

Had a vasectomy. Paid them an extra $50 so it shoots glitter

The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.

My son ran away again, but it gets worse. He changed the wifi password before he left.

[death row]

Guard: alright tough guy one last meal

Me: a cyanide pill

Guard: what? no we want to kill you!

Me: too bad

Guard: aw man

(Halloween Party)

Friend: What’s your costume?

Me: I’m dressed as “A total disappointment”

Friend: But you always wear that

Me: Yeah.

by any beans necessary

Keep thinking about asking out a woman that works at my gym but if we end up back at my place she’ll see that I’ve been stealing towels.

exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out

Genie: ok, this is your last wish

Me: Could you speak up a bit?

Genie: YOU IDIOT!

Freeze tag in the pool ended badly.

I just want the courage to stick with my choice of medium sized refreshments after the cashier tells me that large is just 25 cents more.

Whenever someone is about to tell me about their day, I just cover my ears and yell “SPOILER ALERT!”

(skipping class)
friend: what about the hall minotaurs?
me: you mean hall monitors?
*slow stomping noises*

Sorry but if these walls could talk I’m pretty sure they’d talk about wall things and not whatever scandal you’re blowing out of proportion.

At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.

families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one

I was always told to eat all my food so that I’d grow to be big and strong.

When exactly does the strong part kick in?

Me : Here, I made you a ‘Best Hits of 2017’ CD.

Wife : This is an unopened blank CD-R.

Me : Correct.

My wife just said that Twilight is better than The Lost Boys. I don’t think there’s a jury in the world that would convict me.

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

my 80yr/o grandma is on facebook & she is a living click-bait article, she didn’t even tell me what to do with it

Careful, friends. [bends down and examines a handprint in the sidewalk] There is a very powerful child nearby.

Me: Sex?

Wife: Sure.

Me: Really? Just like that?

Wife: Yep.

Me: …never mind.

I don’t know what she’s up to, but I don’t like it.

I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.

ants can carry up to 5000 times their body weight?? pfft. watch this- *goes to stomp an ant but it grabs me & slams me thru a picnic table*

Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.

Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE

Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order

Kissing a girl usually tastes like 3 bottles of wine, not cherry chapstick.

[hosting a kids show]
ME: ok everybody, what time is it?? say it loud!!
KIDS: OWL! TOUCHING! TIME!
[camera zooms in on a startled barn owl]