Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Jesus: [walking past a pond]

[A herd of hungry ducks begins waddling behind him]

Jesus: [starts walking faster]

wwe: These are trained professionals please don’t try this at home

Me and my siblings:

Anytime a young person makes me watch a Tik Tok I don’t like, I make them watch a full season of Frasier on DVD

[first date]

him: I’m a cat person.

me: [trying to impress]
*bites him when he tries holding my hand

A lil bit a Peppa Pig in my life
A lil bit a Piglet by my side
A lil bit a Wilbur is all I need
A lil bit a Babe is what I see
A lil bit a Miss Piggy in the sun
A lil bit a Pumpaa all night long
A lil bit a Porky Pig here I am
A lil bit a u makes me ur man
Feral Hogs Number 30-50

My inexpensive home security system…

me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*

my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*

I opened the dishwasher and it’s full of clean dishes and I’m scared my wife is going to know that I know.

I went to order a book this morning and they said I needed to add two more to qualify for free shipping and obviously that just makes good financial sense anyway 14 books are on the way

People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?

I don’t want to “agree to disagree,” I want you to say uh huh and I say nuh uh and you say uh huh until we’ve resolved this.

the problem with being nice to people is you end up getting invited to their wedding.

the only organized thing in my life is crime

My toddler went down the slide and her performance was amazing flawless really, so I put my hand out for a high five and she ignored me in front of like 10 people and I don’t know how to handle that. It’s been 3 days.

[Murder mystery dinner]

ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.

ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?

I’m too immature for adultery.

Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog

[Retirement party]
Boss: After working here for 38 years, what was the highlight of your career?

Me: [shrugs] Glen brought his dog in once…

All the Kings men: we need some kind of adhesive

All the kings horses: why is everyone looking at us

My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.

My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:

boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls

Sorry I replied “yikes” to your selfie.

This air is so toxic and unhealthy right now I think I want to date it

Women who say giving birth is the worst pain imaginable, obviously never waited for a toddler to put on their own shoes.

A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.

We need to drop all our differences and unite against our common enemy: mercury in retrograde

Own two different pasta machines.

still make cup noodles with the Keurig.

Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”

Eggs Benedict are delicious if you don’t mind having a breakfast that’s also spying on you.