Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

If only vehicles could be equipped with little blinky lights on the corners to alert other drivers the direction they wished to turn…

What weighs 20kgs and has eaten 2kgs of freshly roasted smoked gammon?

My wife had me try three new positions in the bedroom last night. But she ended up wanting the dresser back where it was.

doctor: “is there anything that runs in the family?”
wife: “hm not really”
me: “the dog jogs a lot”

You know that button in the elevator with the fireman´s hat on it.

Turns out that is not the button you press to get a fireman´s hat.

Hiding the bank statement from your husband is the new hiding your report card from your parents.

Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.

me: umm did you tell your teacher that means pretend karate moves?

6: no

me:

it’s crazy you can’t just go to prison. if you want to get in there, you have to rob a gas station there’s no other way

Imagine if we were like cows and horses and when we gave birth our baby would immediately stand up and start running around the hospital and the doctors would have to catch them and round them up in a baby pen

My niece thinks she’s more mature than me because she listens to Beethoven.

His movies sucked plus why would I wanna listen to dog music?

If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.

[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t

*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw

I was thrilled when this beautiful girl came up and asked me for a date.

Then I realised it was just because I work at a dried fruit stand.

While I was relaxing having my wine my toddler threw a piece of cheese straight at my face and said, “gotcha.”

The negotiation skills of my 6yo about how many more bites she has to eat make me want her on my side the next time I make an offer to buy a house.

Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.

“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”

I just saw a guy with leather pants get out of an IROC-Z. I wanted to say “Welcome to the future, traveler. You’re going to love it here!”

[coworker starts talking to me at my cubicle]
Welp, nice chatting. This is my stop.
[puts in earbuds]

My anaconda don’t want none unless you use proper grammar and avoid using double negatives.

Jerry, we tried, but we were never a perfect fit.

You’re part of a cactus and I’m a piece of a skull in the lower left-hand corner, I think.

-puzzle pieces breaking up

Me : I have changed my mind.

Wife : Hope the new one is working.

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.

[at party]
wife: well I guess we should try and mingle
me: ok
wife:
me: sooo how are u and the kids doing
wife: omg I meant with other people

Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”

Doctor: I’m afraid we will have to remove part of your colon.

Me: So I’m gonna be a semicolon? LOL

Doctor:

I get all snooty about Great British Bake Off contestants doing things wrong like two years ago I wasn’t googling “what is shoe pastry”