Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Me: How old am I?

Brain: Give me a minute.

Me: What’s my email password?

Brain: I don’t remember.

Me: Why’d I walk in this room?

Brain: I have no idea.

Me:

Brain: Your high school locker combo was 54-27-14.

It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.

I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting

I will eventually talk about something other than Cyberpunk, but they just gave me a quest to teach a vending machine to swear, so that won’t be today.

MESSENGER: sire, a peasant named humpty dumpty fell off a wall
KING: send all my horses and men to put him back together
QUEEN: should we not just send a doctor
KING: no send all the horses and men
ADVISOR: my liege, the castle will be defenseless
KING: all of them i said

I am so behind with news. So sad about the Titanic #rip

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.

Hero horse inspires millions

Him: It’s like people are going feral.

Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*

It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.

8 has had his harmonica for barely a week and is already recording tutorials for his ‘fans’ so if anyone would like a class on how to sound like a cat choking on another cat hit me up

I’m taking my box of wine back and filing a complaint.

It said once opened it would last 6 weeks, but it was gone after 3 hrs.

Current beard: Outdoor woodsman

Current body: Indoor couchman

For introverts, the worse kind of head-on collision is running directly into the person we’re avoiding at the grocery store

My brother called to tell me specifically that his Zoom party really took off after he told everyone the story of the one time I took a chance & overcame my shyness & went to buy a guy at a club a drink at but it turned out the guy was a mannequin & part of the décor.

Welcome to your 40’s you are 15-20lbs overweight no matter what and sweat constantly. You irritate anyone under 30, and have 5 years max left before your phone completely confuses you.

My girlfriend and I are celebrating our anniversary tonight by breaking up six years ago.

friend: what are your plans for The Purge?

[imagines broadcasting a football game w/o express written consent of the NFL]

me: do a murder

“My mom is a total MILK.”
— 14-year old, Norman Bates

“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene

Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.

I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.

My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends

Sure sex is cool, but have you ever pulled an old book off a bookcase, opened a secret door & were never seen again

If O is to Orange, and / is to Division, then Ø is to Fruit Ninja.

My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.

Me: Honey, have you seen my beer?

Wife: Did you check in the shower?

Me: OOOH!!! Good thinking!

Cats be like “I know a spot” and proceed to take a nap on the important papers you are working on to meet a deadline.

God: this pie is outstanding. where’d you get the apples?

Eve: ok promise you won’t get mad

What do Norse mythology and chastity belts have in common?

Asgard.