Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just now realized the guy at the urinal that complemented my watch might not have actually just been looking at my watch.

in dinosaur culture it’s actually really insensitive to wish upon a falling star

Him: I’m an English teacher

Me: Oh yeah? Recite all the Englishes

My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest

9 applied hot sauce to his cheek to cure sunburn.

*crumples up applications to Yale, UCLA, community college

I always act like I’m so much better than fantasy protagonists but lets be honest I would 100% touch the book of forbidden secrets, even if it did mean accidentally starting the war of the unclean and maybe also releasing the queen of spiders from her endless slumber

The Fat Girl’s Guide To The Zombie Apocalypse:

If you see me running & there’s no ice cream truck in front of me..you should run too.

Maybe there’s no sunshine when he’s gone, but at least I don’t have to fight over the remote.

Husband: What kind of toothpaste should I get?

Me: Sensitive, strengthening, whitening, tartar control, plaque removing, deep clean, breath freshening, complete protection, with baking soda.

Husband: So get the blue stuff?

Me: Yes.

*bomb timer counting down from 2 minutes*

Me: [quickly youtubes how to disarm a bomb]

*3 minute unskippable ad plays*

I watched The First Omen last night and I spent most of it hiding behind the sofa. I didn’t want my neighbour to see me in her living room.

Him: no one will steal your identity that way

Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that

I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.

I once had a customer complain that her steak “tasted like cow.” I was so confused that I said, “Well, I sure hope so” which caused her husband to burst out laughing. She quickly shot him the death stare and I often wonder where she hid his body.

Met a hot girl in the bar.

She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.

Because a fish decided to walk on land years ago, I am now forced to pay taxes and wear pants in public.

me: hey what’s your ring size

her: omg why

me: [closing out of custom bowling ball website] just thinking about the future

got so drunk last night that I ate a salad

When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

A sweater so itchy it feels like it was made from scratch.

*drops something sharp*

Brain: catch it with your foot

*Corrects the grammar on your Christmas card and mails it back*

before therapy: i hate people

after therapy: i feel good about hating people!

When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.

Microwave sparked and is suddenly dead, now I really have no idea what time it is.

I have decided to purchase the grocery store because it is now cheaper than the groceries inside it.

Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation

Them: and what is this?

Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am

Them: hmmmmm….

. : can i have that?

me: have what?

: : thanks

me. wait

⠸ : yoink

me stop that