Ticketmaster: $55 per ticket
Me: ok I’ll take 2
Ticketmaster: ok that will be $400
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I ate a tomato slice off the carpet. And some lettuce. And some bleu cheese bits. And mushrooms. I’m saying I dropped my salad on the floor.
Friend: I don’t have sex until the third date
Me: ok brag that you get to the third date
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
We woke up to a noise.
I grabbed a bat.
He grabs a can of body spray.
“Really? Gunna make this burglar irresistible to women huh?”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
New mindset, who dis?
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
They say the camera adds 10 lbs.
Looks like fast food added the other 40.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
You: Nothing more patriotic than fireworks on the 4th of July.
Your dog: OMG! KIM JONG-UN IS UNLEASHING THE FULL POWER OF HIS NUCLEAR STOCKPILE. THIS IS NOT A DRILL! REPEAT: NOT. A. DRILL.
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
*Whispers in random chicks ear
“I have pizza in the van”
Do guys with big trucks realize the only big trucks women find sexually attractive are food trucks?
I grew up during the time when every home had a sewing machine but no one knew how to use it or where it came from.
I’m tired of being the bigger person. Just once I want to be the smaller person. I want to be continually shrinking. I’d eventually love to be tiny enough to be carried around in someone’s pocket while shouting petty retorts.
🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
No toilet paper. My training kicks in. I barrel roll under the stall & onto the lap of the person in the next stall. I did not plan for this
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
I feel like we have to go see the Matrix because Keanu would go and see one of our movies if we made one.
Word!
The fact that the British call math “maths” scares me, since the only thing more frightening than math is plural math.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
you know a tweet’s gotten spread around when random catholics get mad at you “PLEASE DON’T GO TO MASS IF YOU’RE NOT CATHOLIC” my..my wife wanted me to go, you turkey, catholic mass is not my go-to choice for a FUN NIGHT OUT
My dog: wasn’t me
Me: I know
My dog: honest It wasn’t me
Me: it’s ok really
My dog: [chip packet still on her head] I think the kid ate them
What is worse than your GF sending you a text to ” Break Up ” ?
Another text saying ” Sorry, that wasn’t for you ! ”
😂😂😂
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers
ME: *exists*
KID: that’s not how mommy does it