Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
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Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
This new flavor of Pringles is horrible. First of all, they aren’t even cut up. Secondly, they taste like tennis balls.
They say to do something that scares you everyday so I hosted an outdoor birthday party with 12 kids under the age of 8 while wearing a white t-shirt.
You’re Twitter famous. Cool, cool.
I won a dodgeball tournament in 3rd grade and I got a real trophy for that.
*rage dresses
*rage stomps down stairs
*rage closes neighbors banging garbage can lid flapping in wind
*rage stomps upstairs
*rage undresses
A guest dropped by my dirty house on short notice today, so I put cleaning supplies out all over the place. They were just for show.
My 3-year-old got a cut on her finger.
She’s holding it up to show people her band-aid.
Yes, that’s my kid flipping off everyone in the grocery store.
But wait…..does your wife know that you’re divorced?
The Macarena is pretty menacing if you do it in silence in the queue at the bank.
Me: Janet’s boyfriend reminds me of Gandhi
Wife: He looks nothing like him
Janet’s bf: [tapping on car window] Don’t forget about Gandhi
My summer body has been pending for about ten years
The good news is that my appetite has come back. The bad news is that my appetite has come back.
[scooby doo’s wife walks into the kitchen and slams a pile of legal documents onto the table. scooby looks up in shock]
scooby: RIVORCE???
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
“Oh, that shirt had buttons.”–me, at bath time right after I pull my kid’s head off
When James Blunt says “I saw your face in a crowded place” it’s so outdated like wtf is a crowded place
Daisy: how are you
Gatsby: great
4 year olds really apologize like “I’m sorry I accidentally did that on purpose.”
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Yes…
I retweet.
Isn’t that kinda the point?
Spread the love and shit?
Mostly shit…
But that’s your fault…
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
“murder” she wrote
“your password must contain at least one number and one upper case letter” the screen said
“murd3R” she wrote, frowning
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
[My death bed]
*loved ones sobbing*
Me: Cheesecake. Not a slice ffs. The whole cheesecake. And no low-fat crap. Go! I don’t have all day.
Genie: Alright, you know the drill, 3 rules: no wishing for death, no falling in love, no bringing anyone back from the dead
Me: I wish my socks were tongues 🙂
Genie:
Genie: There are 4 rules
You come to my house…on the day my daughter is to be married…and you ask me to do murder for money
I would be putting Jesus in my body every night if only he had chosen cookies over bread
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*