Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
You Might Also Like
me: [gun drawn] put the receipt in the bag.
cashier: ok.
Hubs: Ok boys, pick a number 1-4
3 year old: Lion Gaurd!
5 year old: 5!
So yes, homeschooling is going quite well.
Michael Cera, too timid to send his food back even though he’s allergic to almonds, eats a meal and politely goes into anaphylactic shock.
I write vampire jokes but they never see the light of day.
Dumple
*at divorce court
Me: She hasn’t touched Mr. Peppy in 10 years, your Honor.
Judge: I’m sorry – What??
Her: I win, right?
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Your honor, my client wasn’t trying to stab the victim. He was checking to see if he was cake
My ex-girlfriend was an exhibitionist although she preferred the term ‘curator of an art gallery’.
*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
Call me a hopeless romantic, but there’s nothing like a candlelit dinner to obscure the rodent droppings in my storage unit.
[being robbed]
Me: careful.. I’m ARMED
*whips out bible
Robber: lol
*pulls gun out of bible
R: oh
*pulls smaller bible out of gun
My wife has politely asked all of you to stop being so interesting and not-so-politely asked me to load the F’n dishwasher.
(watching Elijah Wood in lotr, maybe the best casting in the history of cinema) Well that’s certainly one take on the character
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
$10 says some idiot is gonna hear the word Ebola and think “that’d be a great name for my new baby!”
Hey neighbor…
Hope you…
Don’t mind…
Me borrowing…
Your…
Trampoline…
Them: “can you just be cool for like once, maybe?”
Me: *whips a kazoo out from my pocket protector* “say no more my friend… say no more”
[6:00pm] i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight i will not snack tonight
[11:00pm] yay i did it!
[11:01pm] *preheats oven*
Putting a bunch of small decorative rocks in front of your house is a bold move, but putting one big rock in your yard is a boulder move.
They say, “don’t hate the player, hate the game,” but I’ve got enough hate to do both.
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
Did I age well? Well I bent down to look in a low cupboard earlier and made a noise like an asthmatic Chewbacca who’s just heard some bad news, so I’m going to say no.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
when I was a teenager learning to drive, I was very concerned about what would happen if I had to sneeze while driving. someone would tell me what to do, and I would be like, “ok. and if I sneeze?”
It may look like I’m a sloppy eater but really I’m just teaching my dog about trickle-down economics…
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
I normally don’t brag when I go to expensive places, but I just left the gas station..