Tickling is the most absurd bodily function.
Here, let me use feathers to completely incapacitate you.
You Might Also Like
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
The cheapest workout for your core is standing on the train without holding onto anything.
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Wanna feel smart? I just texted my sister a picture of her phone she left here
Corona has showed me that if we had a zombie virus outbreak, we’d all be zombies within 2 weeks.
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
Why did they call it Social Anxiety and not Hey Fever
me: wow that exam was easy
*gets a 53*
No wine. No peace.
Know wine. Know peace.
WHY *smack* DON’T *smack* YOU *smack* JUST *smack* USE *smack* THE *smack* RETWEET *smack* BUTTON?
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Archaeologist 1: she must have died suddenly, a mug of tea was still in her microwave
Archaeologist 2: actually we carbon dated the tea and she died a week afterwards
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
Remember when we had to smack the TV because the channel wasn’t coming in clearly?
I feel that way about far too many people.
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but it’s time to throw out that tater salad from Thanksgiving
For the last 60 days, a guy from Tinder has texted me some variation of “Hi. How are you?”
I reply, “Good. You?”
And the conversation trails off there or after a few more texts.
He never makes plans to go out.
I guess he’s just making an Excel spreadsheet about how I am.
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single poor decision in a pub and I’m starting to think this guy isn’t even a real Uber driver.
When wood plank seating is finally abolished, it’s over for you benches
It sucks that boomers got sports cars for their mid-life crisis but I’m probably just gonna start playing World of Warcraft again
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
It’s 3am and my neighbor across the street is sorting two garbage bins full of cabbages on his front lawn. Whatever gets you through the night, man.
The early bird catches a worm. The on-time bird catches a different worm. The late bird also catches a worm. There are tons of worms and they have no human concept of time
Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy
Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no
Me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
2-year-old: An eagle!
I’m going to save so much money on college.
If you’re not vacuuming sand out of your car two years later, did you really take it to the beach?
Adult me must concede that a major contributor to global warming was kid me leaving the front door open and heating the whole goddam world.