(tickling you a little) add me to your cell phone plan dude cmon
You Might Also Like
1 cup of coffee: awake
2 cups: chipper
3 cups: talking to myself
4 cups: talking to objects
5 cups: talking to people
6 cups: talking to the goddess of space and time who controls our destiny
7 cups: talking to police
8 cups: phone confiscated
Amazon notifies me that my package arrived like it wasn’t unboxed 5 minutes ago.
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
Genie: *transforms me into a turtle* oh wait, did you say eternal life?
Me: *from inside shell* yeah no this is better
To anyone who heard me yelling, know that I nicely asked my children 7x to get in their car seats, and they did everything but get in their seats.
Took over 70 days of quarantine but we finally got that roll of Christmas wrapping paper from behind the bedroom door put away.
I just ate $35 worth of Taco Bell before entering this escape room. We’re getting out one way or another.
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Eventually every parent reaches the it’s a good thing they’re so cute stage.
I wonder what the ocean smelled like before it was full of fish
Just once I’d like a number between 1 and 10 to think of me.
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
Best thing about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re about to make a point so people know it’s about to get real.
I bet “jerk chicken” is that chicken that cuts others off when the other chickens are trying to cross the road.
Women,
If you could just go ahead, get a plane & spell it out in the sky for us, that’d be greeeat.
Sincerely,
Men
Not all clowns are creepy. Many are just honest, hard-working operatives of Satan.
You can’t make everyone happy. You’re not a jar of Nutella.
I am all good here, 😂😉
Little known fact, Alvin wore the big A on his shirt because he slept around.
One fist-bump from a cool black dude is worth 5 years of my parents loving me.
Can anyone explain what’s happening in front of my house none of these belong to me
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
I WISH MY PETS WOULD STOP ACCIDENTALLY INJURING ME WITH THEIR KNIFE HANDS
Sorry I commented “yikes” on that pic of your baby you posted on facebook.
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
My favourite machine at the gym is the television.
Okay Canada. You’ve made your point.
Will you take winter back now?
Please?
Me: you married?
Him: separated
Me: your wife know about that?
I took my meds at someone’s house the other day and they asked if I needed to take them with carbs I said no, and it’s been days and I still wish I said yes so they would have given me carbs