Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

So apparently a doctor’s note doesn’t get you out of work for multiple years

[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone

All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…

asking my doctor to give me the Marilyn Manson rib removal surgery to make more room for the hotdog eating contest

Me: *throws out a manual that’s been sitting in a drawer for 10 years*

(The next day)

Husband: Have you seen the manual for-

So the mullet is back but ffs don’t bring back the rat’s tail.

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

McDonald’s manager:
You can’t withhold orders at the drive-thru until customers say “I love you”

Me, hurt: I knew that guy in the red car didn’t mean it

When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.

Got fired from the zoo for giving all the howler monkeys megaphones.

Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.

every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair

The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.

Husband at lunchtime: Shall I make..

Me: Yes.

Cleaned out my kid’s backpack and found everything I’ve been missing since 1990

Today I will be hosting a book sale until the librarians notice

Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis

I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.

ㅤ

Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne

Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand

Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away

[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force

Sometimes when I’m looking up restaurant reviews and comparing menus I think to myself… “that light was green right?”

ME: Who do you want to be at my Frozen-themed party?
FRIEND: Let me be Olaf or Elsa
ME: Ok but never threaten me in an Italian accent again

Wife: You’re going to be a great Dad one day

Me: And you’ll make a great Mom one day too

Son: *From the basement* WHEN

Drugs made me responsible. If it weren’t for drugs I might have never started working at 15.

I don’t have a go-bag, but if I did, it would contain absolutely everything I could possibly need and I would leave it at home.

My son told me there’s a wee boy who comes into his room at night & plays with him.
A shiver ran down my spine, then I remembered I have another son & it’s probably him

My favorite farside!!

Ladies,

Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.

Men

How I flirt with girls:
1. Walk past them 15 times
2. Go home