Ticks are pests.
People pay money to get them removed.But on Twitter, people pay to get them placed.
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If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
[alternate world with no bees]
SCIENTIST: all the flowers are dying
ME: *takes a ite of a uritto* wow that’s a ummer
[meeting girlfriend at the park]
Her: Surprise! I made us a picnic!
Me: *unfolding emergency bib from wallet* Holy shit let’s do this.
Catholic mass is just Catholic force divided by Catholic acceleration
I like to help my wife cook by standing in front of whichever cabinet door she needs to get into at any given time.
ghost of christmas past but it’s just the clothes that used to fit before the pandemic
If you love someone let them go.. If they come back just be yourself they will be gone again in 2 days😬😂
her: what do you do for a living
me: I can’t tell you
her: like a spy
me: no I’m an eye doctor
her: oh an ophthalmologist
me: yeah thanks I don’t know how to pronounce it
Frankly I don’t know why anybody of Biden or Trump’s age would *want* to be President. I’m 60 and I don’t even want to go upstairs.
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
burglar: [sits up in bed] did you hear that
wife: [sits up] oh my god
husband: [sits up] why are you in our bed
burglar’s wife: [walks in] you son of a bitch
Me: Did you pull off your Barbie’s head?
4-year-old: No.
Me: Then where’d it go?
4: She sneezed and it exploded.
Sounds legit.
You must first feel comfortable in someone else’s skin before you can feel comfortable in your own.
–Psycho Therapy
People are going to get tired of these AI chatbots, because nobody likes a know-it-all.
The phrase “beach body” brings to mind an image of a bloated corpse tossed ashore by the waves, so, yeah, I’m beach body ready.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
Sorry I brought an air horn to your colonoscopy.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
A spray bottle to deal with close talkers.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Hey girl are you Bruschetta because you give me aggressive heartburn and i cant pronounce your name
british sex workers really pound for pound
I requested the number 867-5309 from my cellular provider because I like being annoyed to the point of rage.
[pet shop]
me: excuse me, do u work here?hamster: no
Me: Your generation sits around with their noses in their phones
Niece: Your generation made the guys who wrote the Macarena rich
Me: …
man: you buried my grandmother in the wrong plot
me: I guess you could say I made a [turns to camera] grave mistake
So how much budgie food do you actually want?…
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that