Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Björk is probably my favorite singer named after the sound a dodgeball makes

Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami

If life gives you raisins, there’s not much you can do.

“Shhhhh”

– me, drunk, to the wind chimes I just walked into

We argue about where to go for dinner for so long it eventually becomes an argument on where to go for breakfast

yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol

GUY: Welcome to Assumption Club. The first rule is

ME: Yeah I think we got it thanks pal

GUY: [under breath] Holy shit this guy’s good

I’m a go with the flow kind of gal unless the flow is after 9pm or involves people I don’t know or parallel parking.

Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.

An M&M.

In half.

Vending machine egg salad sandwich cleanse.

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.

Imagine the excruciating discomfort of having nothing to say to a child and choosing to compliment it on its gait. I myself don’t have to imagine.

INTERVIEWER: Under special skills, you wrote “I ain’t afraid of no ghosts”

ME: *sweating profusely* Yeah why, do any ghosts work here?

Just added something to my bucket list.

Which is it, brain?

Does nothing matter or do I need to be anxious about everything

Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.

I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?

Before joining Twitter I thought I was stupid. But now I’ve realised I’m not alone.

9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?

Me: Sure.

9: Can I spend two nights?

Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.

Not sure who needs to hear this, but a group of porcupines is called a prickle.

Them: “let me know if i’m ever annoying you”
Me: *10 seconds later “ok… well this is awkward”

Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen

Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO

*accidentally bites into a wax fruit*
*keeps eating to save face*

[on trial for murder]

lawyer: have you ever eaten cereal with water

me: [sweating] I don’t see how that’s-

judge: answer the question

*hears robber in house*
If anybody is there.. I have Updog & I’m not afraid to use it.
“What’s Updog?”
Not too much haha you?
“Robbing you”

Handmaid’s TALE not Handmaid’s Handbook

[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?

Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.

It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third

Please stop sending me sexy photos of yourselves, ladies. You’re distracting me while I try to read this book on reverse psychology.

Can someone help I just stepped into an elevator with Slayer and they won’t stop staring