Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
20 year old me)I’m going to be rich
30 year old me)I’m going to travel
40 year old me)I’m going to be a better person
50 year old me)I’m going to bed
Movember is over, so this week anyone looking like a pedophile is actually a pedophile.
After the tooth fairy didn’t show up for the third night, my 7YO hid a dollar under her sister’s pillow and said, “I’m so done with lazy tooth fairies”
Grandmother clock.
If we add two more rings to plastic six-pack containers and throw them in the ocean the Octopus community can finally bust down on crime because now they’ll have adequate handcuffs.
When you offer me cookies, act surprised when I take one. Declare loudly you’ve never seen me eat dessert before.
Youtube trainer: and we’re going to repeat this exercise for thirty seconds
me: *how* many seconds???
Getting fat sucks
Just not as much as vegetables
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
MAYOR’S TIP: before you spend 20 minutes blowing an air mattress, make sure it’s really an air mattress, and not Gary hiding under a blanket
Her: You look great without glasses
Me: I don’t wear glasses
Her: *putting them back on* I do
Fun Fact: Baby powder’s ingredients include baby brothers and sisters who acted up.
The thing that’s wrong with oatmeal raisin cookies is that they’re oatmeal raisin cookies.
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
INTERVIEWER: why did you leave your last job?
ME: they stopped putting Kit Kats in the break room vending machine
Change is supposed to be a good thing, but I don’t think pennies, nickels, and dimes have ever done anything to deserve my respect.
date: what are you thinking about
me: fall should be spelled fa//
date:
me:
date: fell should be spelled fe_ _
*we kiss*
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
What sort of tape measure does the guy from The Guinness Book of Records use to measure the worlds longest tape measure?
‘Bring your child to work day’ discriminates against those of us who choose not to have a job.
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
O-mi-cron, Becky. Look at that variant.
[first day as hostage negotiater]
me: [taking the phone] yyyyyelllo
[loud explosion from inside the bank]
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
I’ve decided to take some time off Twitter so I can focus on work and, ok, I’m back