Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
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Me: Waitress, can I ask you something about the menu please
Waitress [slaps my face]: The men I please, that’s none of your business
“Shrooms before brooms,” I say to the coven of stereotypical witches who have quite magically appeared in my living room.
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
HER: Hi, I’m your real estate agent.
ME: It’s okay, I can tell when someone is imaginary, you can just say “estate agent”.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
Co-worker: My husband & I are praying for a baby. Me: You know that’s not how you get 1, right? You gotta have sex. What does HR want now?
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
this sky deity is putting off some real “nah, I’m good” energy
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Just finished watching a movie, and I shall now begin my post-movie watching tradition of Googling who everyone in the cast is married to.
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
I lost the birth video of my son so I’m at the labour ward hoping to recreate it. I’ll just zoom in close so my wife won’t be able to tell.
Twin: ya know how we always-
Me: -finish each other’s sentences!
Prison Warden: VISITING TIME IS OVER
Twin: so I had an idea…
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
God, grant me the serenity to accept this stolen property, the courage to sell it on eBay, and the wisdom to not get caught.
just had a chilling thought… do br*t*sh and canadian people call it ‘dragon ball zed’ 🤢
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
COP: Pick up that wrapper.
ME: No.
COP: Okay, have a nice day.
If you pencil in your eyebrows just right, coworkers will not attempt to talk to you
*Puts on angry eyebrows*
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Her: You should meditate.
Me: And be alone with my thoughts? No thank you.
Therapist: Participate in a hobby your partner enjoys.
Me: Like sitting on paper bags?
Therapist: No, not your cat. A human partner.
Me: Oh.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
Used to work with a grumpy older guy called Philip Eno and I was always too scared to ask if he was related to Brian Eno. Anyway, years later I actually met Brian and I said to him: “Is your brother Philip Eno?”. He replied: “No, he’s English”.
Please help my husband and I decide on dinner. We’ve narrowed it down to “It doesn’t matter” and “It’s your turn to choose”.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Free tip for home invaders: literally everybody with an iPhone6 is out at brunch right now