Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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[first date]
girl: I bet you’re really cute under those glasses
[removes frames/is instantly obliterated by Cyclops’ optic blast]
ME: [throws rock into ocean] Take THAT, ecosystem!
ECOSYSTEM: [undergoes incremental biological changes over millions of years]
ME: Oh shiii
My daughter asked me if I know how to do the Running Man, like my generation didn’t invent it. Anyway, that’s what brings me to the ER.
‘I choose my underwear based on how likely I am to have sex. Today, I’m wearing a used grocery bag I found floating across the highway’
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
My mind: Age is just a number!
My lower back: Lolololololol
What if during Halloween people said “creepy crawlidays”
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
[DOG MAGICIAN] think of a color, any color…is it…gray?
[OTHER DOG] oh my GOD
*RSVP’ing to Christmas party*
Whispering into phone: is it ok if I bring my weird roommate?
Husband, from behind me: STOP CALLING ME THAT
Apparently it’s 7 years today since I discovered that adding googly eyes to the tap on a wine box makes it look like Shaun the Sheep.
I wish I had the confidence of someone who takes only 5 pair of underwear on a 5 day vacation
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
My waxer just told me a hilarious story about ripping out a client’s tampon during a bikini wax.
I guess she doesn’t remember me.
If the horse track doesn’t open back up soon, I’m gonna lose the only math I remember.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
high school was the free trial version of college. “if you wish to continue your education you can buy the complete pack for $50,000”
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Million dollar idea: Dating website for leopards called Connect the Dots
Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
ME: Did you hear about the optometrist who fell into a lens grinder?
HER: Let me guess, he made a spectacle of himself?
ME: No. He died.
Barry?
Yes Joe
Can I borrow Air Force 1? I promised this girl we’d eat at the Pizza Hut in France
No Joe
*Biden slams fist*
THIS IS BULLSHIT
Doctor’s office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
chicken run, though it depicts chickens, touches on a universal human truth. I don’t want to be a pie.
Told my wife I wanted our kids every other weekend and she reminded me that we’re married & live together so I’d have to see them every day.
Whenever my Mother-in-Law’s stories end with “And I turned out OK” I’m looking around like who’s gonna tell her
[Arriving at party]
Host: Why are you wearing only a nappy?
Me: I was told “infancy dress”.
Host: I said “in fancy dress,” you moron!