Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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My 12yo busted into our room with a Nerf gun. She made eye contact with her dad and really went for it. My husband was sitting with our 6yo. He immediately turned into a force field to protect her. I have so much respect for that man because I would’ve used our 6yo as a shield.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
shaggy: hey scoob where’s my burger
scooby: ruh roh
shaggy: great danes only live 8 years you know
scooby: ruck roo
Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby
I think my wife has been moonlighting at the north pole. That is only explanation for why her feet are so cold when she gets into bed
Maggie Smith, Britain’s last coal-powered actor
If Bear Grylls married Chuck E. Cheese they would be the Grylls-Cheese family.
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
For financial reasons, I’ll be giving everyone birthday gifs this year
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
*gunshot*
Me: Yep, he’s dead
“You can hide but you can’t run,”
— Mama tortoise giving the lowdown to her kids
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
Therapist: today we’re going to do an exercise
Me [shifts nervously in seat]: oh, I-uh
Therapist: calm down, fatty. Not actual exercise
Me: Sorry, I pretended I was driving through a tunnel and couldn’t hear you when you started talking all romantic and shit.
Him: I was sitting right beside you. I think we need to talk about this.
M: keuuuuugh…shssssssh…weeeeeee
H: Still right beside you.
glad to see they’re taking this season of american horror story in a bold new exact same direction.
“I hate you but I love you. I miss you but you make me sick. You’re wonderful but get away from me” -My love letter to carbs
I heard there was a secret cord
You plug it in and you meet the Lord
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Pronounce it “Valentimes Day” so Cupid will know to shoot you right in your stupid face.
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
If only I had invested $1000 in Google back in 1997 I’d have $14.5 billion right now. Too bad my loser parents made me go to middle school instead.
I wish my husband was as concerned with “preheating” me as he is with the oven…
I can turn wine into water about two hours after drinking it
Checkmate Jesus.
My kid dropped an entire glass of cranberry juice and now he knows how hard it’d be to cover up a murder
Don’t judge me for my toddler eating a chicken nugget for lunch. Judge me for not knowing where the chicken nugget came from.
My son said that he was bored so I told him he could vacuum, dust or clean the kitchen & Oh! Look at that!
He’s nowhere to be found.