Tide Pods? When I was a kid we ate normal things like dog biscuits.
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*sips some coffee & interrupts break room conversation*
“Technically we’re all under the weather today unless you’re an astronaut in orbit”
The French cow says MEUX…
My CW just barked.
Ok, it may have been a burp, but I’d like him a lot more if he were turning into a dog, so I think he barked.
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
Just heard a woman ask if she left her teeth over there
Really hoping this is Halloween related
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
How the stock market works:
Seller: selling $20 for $25!
Buyer: [terrified] take my money!
Turns out adding glitter to your urine sample doesn’t add sparkle to the lab techs lives. It does, however, get you yelled at by your doctor.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Our Ideal candidate:
-Minimum 3,000 years exp.
-Must have 8 PhD’s
-Speak Klingon
80 hrs a week
$7.15 an hour
Must be passionate about work!
I just watched a 15 year old girl who was busy texting walk into a light post and I am no longer an atheist.
My boys from the living room:
“I’m telling mom!”
Me from the bedroom:
“don’t come tell mom shit!”
I pick up my dog’s poop with empty Snickers wrappers. What I do with it afterwards is strictly on a need-to-know basis.
Don’t compare yourself to other people but if you must, compare yourself to someone objectively worse.
accidentally made eye contact with my neighbour when i was perched on my car like a pterodactyl
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
MATH PROBLEM: If you give half of your apple to a friend, what do you have?
ME (through tears): A…a friend
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
My mom always says if I get tattoos now they’ll look ridiculous when I’m old which is why i’m waiting till i turn 90 to get my first one
My class starting to design and build their leprechaun traps:
6yo boy: I don’t want to build a trap.
Me: Why not?
6: Gold coins are too heavy. I’ll just buy a lottery ticket.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
Me: You’re telling me someone broke into the house and the only thing that was stolen was the ice cream?
Husband: (without breaking eye contact) Yes.
Priest: “We are gathered here today to mourn the passing of-
*looks at the casket suspiciously*
Erwin Schrödinger.”
4-year-old: Can you hold my rubber ducky?
Me: *takes the ducky* Why?
4: I dropped it in the toilet.
him: can you pour me a glass of wine
me: there’s only enough left for me
him: there’s a whole bottle
me: yes
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
Phone: Unlock using Face ID.
Me: [looks at phone]
Phone: Ugh.
Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.