*tides knock down my sand castle*
Me: [looks up at moon] now it’s personal [loads pistol]
You Might Also Like
I took a break from social media to spend more time with my family. My family has requested I spend more time with social media.
Y’all think a holey cow makes swiss cheese?
Daughter made me a dish:
Me, swallowing: Mmm, it’s so delicious! And even smells like strawberries!
Her: It’s because of the shampoo.
“Your package is running late and no one is more surprised and upset than we are.”
—Lies Amazon tells me.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
I haven’t talked to my sons for a few days so I changed the Hulu, Netflix and Amazon passwords. I heard from all 3 of them within 20 minutes.
Mom: Everyone has to learn to swim
Kid: Even Jesus?
Mom: Of course
Jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* Lying’s a sin, Brenda
Either I just stepped in dog shit or the stench of my parent’s disappointment has started following me around.
I’m a strong, independent woman who needs you to come kill this moth in the basement.
[High school reunion]
Hey guys! Remember me!?
“No”
How about now? *puts an entire toilet on my head*
(in unison) CHRIS!
Haunted Houses this year are just gonna have the news on.
Me: I’m gonna take a nap
Him: ok I’ll go in the next room and make lots of noise
[boiling pot]
Dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off
Why is it called a herd of horses and not a neighborhood?
*pours milk over bowl of Doritos for breakfast*
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
A watch that gives my dentist a little shock every time I floss.
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
If you borrow my laptop and the volume is at 16% go wash your hands immediately
How many gray sedans in a parking lot is too many? Should I go to a different Walgreens?
pilot: ladies and gentlemen, this is your captain speaking. we have just reached our cruising altitude of 15,000 feet
guy with massive foot fetish: *visibly sweating*
Dudes who flirt on LinkedIn are like “That pickup line really backfired on Tinder so I’m going to try that again and include my entire work history”
Give your child a name with a creative spelling so they can spend their life correcting people.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, “Fire”, “Free beer” or “The free beer is on fire”
[lying on the couch, one leg hanging off the side, face and shoulder smashed against the arm, other leg and one of my hands completely asleep] well as long as the cat is comfortable
6: you’ll always be my mom right?
me: definitely, you’ll always be my baby!
6: what if you’re dead
me: wtf
Coworker: How did your review go?
Me: I don’t know…I thought playing “Epic” by Faith No More was a strong symbolic start…
Coworker:
Me: Apparently putting a live, flailing fish on her desk was lost on her too.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
being a social worker is crazy because those are literally my 2 least favorite things