Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Octopus: *holding 8 guns* Looks like we got a Mexican standoff
Squid: *holding 8 guns* Not so fast *draws 2 more guns*

My husband surprised me by inviting his new boss and wife for dinner so I surprised them with an icebreaker of mocktails and Cards Against Humanity

You haven’t texted me since you went to bed. Are we ok??

*ninja group therapy

Therapist: Nobody showed up *again*?!

Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.

Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.

how much for the angry fruit?

Dear cashiers born in the 2000s:
You do not need to raise your eyebrows and mouth “damn” to yourself when you look at the birth year on my ID

Leonardo DiCaprio playing me in the movie of my life, but in the scene where I’m watching Titanic, it’s me playing him.

JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?

MARIO:

JUDGE: it’s a fine

MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not

Went jogging and came back after 2 minutes because I forgot something.

Forgot Im out of shape and can only jog for 2 minutes.

We will all sleep a lot better if someone tells us the nuke passcode requires spelling.

imagine being a bald vampire and every time you walk by a mirror your toupee looks like it’s floating in mid air.

for my next trick i will fall asleep 15 minutes into the movie i begged us to watch

ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.

STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.

Me: did you accidentally shrink my clothes?

Wife: why do you ask?

Me: my t-shirts and jeans don’t fit anymore.

Wife: it’s probably cause of all the muscle you’ve put on recently.

Me: oh yeah [putting four corn dogs in the microwave] you’re probably right.

The best thing people can do in a bear attack is break down emotional barriers.
Convince the bear she’s loved and has value.
Compliment her commitment to her cubs.
“Raising kids AND hunting? How do u find the time?” is a fantastic ice breaker.

You can learn a lot about your kids by simply turning off the TV and talking. For example I discovered that mine are really boring.

If they shoot down another flying object I’m going to have to start hoarding toilet paper again

Sometimes I worry that maybe I’ll never have sex again then I look at OKCupid and kind of start to feel at peace with the idea.

Thinking about when someone said their favorite conspiracy theory is that “JFK didn’t get shot. His head just did that”

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY CAN DO FOR YOU

ASK IF YOUR COUNTRY IS THE REASON YOU CAN’T LOOK AT YOUR NEWSFEED WITHOUT SCREAMING IN TONGUES

vaccinated, but claiming unvaccinated for antisocial purposes

[on the 7th day]

dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?

god: yeah totally harmless little dude

dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?

god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy

I don’t always sleep well, but when I do, it’s 5mins before the alarm goes off

A new toilet paper called ‘Up Your Alley!’

Marketing exec: how do you keep getting in here

my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”

“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”

job interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness

me: that I need money. imagine if I was adequately funded? my god. the carnage

Saw a long chin hair and tried to pluck it with my nails but instead, curled it like a ribbon