Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Client, “I should have known this marriage was going to fail when he hid my engagement ring in a gas station taquito.”

why have kids when i already have a voice in my head constantly talking me into buying things i can’t afford

Real women have curves!!! Real women have spirals!!! Real women are plump and covered in a creamy sauce wait nope thinkin of pasta

It’s not a coincidence that so many blues songs start with “Woke up this morning…”

Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?

Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!

convinced HR to revise the language in my termination letter to read: despite multiple warnings he refused to stop misusing the defibrillator to “tingle his pants”

Well, it’s finally happened. White people are Tupperwaring themselves.

That’s it.I’m out.

Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…

genie: your first wish?

me: lemme get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

genie:

me: let me get uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

Wait – my gym moved?

In 1997?

me: i’m going to make one of those diagrams that uses circles

dracula: venn

me: probably tomorrow

My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

I think my cats hate people as much as I do.

Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.

Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.

Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…

Last week a friend told me she’s looking forward to her toddler turning 3 because she’s tired of the defiant stage. I’m still laughing.

For a cheap high after age 30, just squat down for a few minutes, then stand up really quickly.

Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan

THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he objectifies women
ME: [trying to stuff bread into her armpit] toaster

Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah

I’ve been told I look like a young Denzel Washington’s white neighbor.

When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.

“I apologize for the misunderstanding”
– Professional
– Non-threatening
– Executive level

“Listen here you little shit”
– Assertive
– Life-threatening
– Who knows what will happen next

Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.

Hey chicks who wear a buttload of make-up. Don’t borrow someone else’s iPhone to make a call. You leave half of your face on the screen.

Autocorrect changed “morning” too “mignon” and now, I want some steak.

[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before

My blood type is b hungry.