Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???

Him: my doctor wants me to fax them my referral

Me: to when? The 90’s?

Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.

[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time

Me: Should I be concerned that this tomato was genetically modified?

Tomato: No.

Interviewer: What are you passionate about? I want someone who’s full of passion. Passion is so motivational.

Me: I’m passionate about a paycheque, sir.

What the kids in the Etch A Sketch commercials could draw:
mountains, murals and beautiful landscapes

What I could draw:
damaged stairs

Goodnight room

Goodnight moon

Goodnight neighbor’s Christmas lights that’ll stay up til June

My favorite exchange on Twitter today.

No thank you GPS.I have this magic ring on my left hand that connects me to the nice young lady in the passenger’s seat who knows everything

literally writing this tweet because my dad’s gf was telling me about her crystals for the last hour straight and I couldn’t take it anymore. if she asks, u guys are the friend who thinks they got chlamydia

Me: I have a paper cut.
Universe: Excellent. I will send you an unusually high number of encounters with citrus fruit.

My parents waited way too long to tell me about Santa and the Easter Bunny. I was so mad I got in my car & drove away.

Storm about to blow in, very windy, out in my yard talking to neighbor

Neighbor: *talking, shifts*

Me: *shifts, too, talking*

N: *moves, keeps talking*

M: *moves, too, keeps talking*

N: Why are you copying me? Wait…Are you using me to block the wind?

Me: Yes

N: *laughing*

Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you

Me: is it because make up phrases

Girlfriend: yes

Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch

Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about

UK English: colour, realise, marvellous

US English: color, realize, marvelous

Canadian English: All of the above are correct. We will use both in the same article and its useless to try and stop us, spellcheck softwares.

Me: A bird just flew in the building.

CW: That means someone’s gonna die!

Me: *grabs letter opener

Her:

Me: I don’t make the rules Karen

fr

I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.

Everyone is getting idioter.

Boss: you need to take a drug test

Me: not if you want me to do this job

Imagine if your anxiety and your metabolism swapped jobs

Me: *sigh* I’ve had so many shellfish lovers

Doctor: You mean selfish?

[30 crabs come out of my pants]

Doctor: Haha here’s some cream

*Me, unprepared giving toast at BBQ with family and friends on Labour Day*

Yes, uh, Labour Day. The day devoted to labour. The day we recognize all the women who’ve, uh, been in labour and how difficult that must’ve been. *raises glass* To being preggers!

R – E – S – P – E – C – T
J – K – L – M – N – O – P

Nothing but love for the older woman who saw her husband staring at two people screaming at each other in the grocery store parking lot, said “mind your business, Morty,” before looking at me, thirty feet away, and saying, “you too.”

There’s nothing more humiliating than taking your pet to bed with you, and they get down and leave the room.

I lose my self-control around cookies. Last week I had a package of oreos in the cupboard and i killed a guy

11 lost a tooth the other day. He threw his tooth in the garbage, walked over to my wallet and took out $2.

He’s a better tooth fairy than I ever was.

gift cards are like i want you to buy what you want but from where i want