Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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Every time I watch, “The Shining” I am overwhelmed by how sweet a gig he has.
I saved a ton money on a security system by hanging a picture of my paycheck on the front door.
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
I think it would be totes adorbz if I throat punched you the next time you say ‘totes adorbz’
My wife said to me: “If you won the lottery, would you still love me?” I said: “Of course I would. I’d miss you, but I’d still love you.”
me: the doctor said i have to stay in bed
boss: ok how long?
me: just a normal bed
Love when strangers try to fact check your personal tweets, like why would i lie about throwing up, Kevin? lol.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
At Twitter HQ
J: Users haven’t complained in a while, what’s going on?
Devs: Oh, we’ve got just the thing
*releases update
Fun game: if someone wants to shake your hand, sniff your fingers first and then see if they still want to.
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
To my friends: You smile, I smile, you hurt, I hurt, you cry, I cry, you jump off a bridge. I’m gonna miss your e-mails.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Liam Neeson: What I do have are a very particular set of skills.
Me if I were the kidnapper: *is.
Me: my fitbit broke
Sales Guy: how
Me: i put it on my dog’s tail and asked him who’s a good boy
Sales Guy: if i give you a new one can i see
When people ask “what do you do” I try to seem normal by saying things like “Walk with my feet. Use water. See things that are there.”
That moment of panic when you realize you haven’t checked on your Farmville in like 6 years
Every time I go into my boss’ office she tells me “take a seat”. I have 14 now.
[at a party]
*taps wife’s shoulder*
I’ve looked everywhere…where are all the swings?
(wife pulls away from kissing Bob)
“What?”
ME: “Personally I think it should be called a ‘fastboat’ instead of a ‘speedboat’ – ‘slow’ is also a speed.”
DATE: “I meant what do you think of the meal.”
How to make friends: Put your clothes on backwards so people don’t notice you walking up to them.
Where’d he go? 😂💛
doggosbeingdoggos
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
[posing for mugshot]
“now turn forward”
[flash]
lemme see
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Happy 50% off black jellybeans day!
It’s nice that friends keep picking up my kids for play dates.
It’d be even nicer if they’d stop bringing them back home.