Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
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Homeschooling, Day whatever: This school really needs a new janitor.
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Counsellor: what’s the reason for your lack of self confidence?
Me: my girlfriend is always trying to put me down
Counsellor: why is that?
Me: she’s a vet
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
[My first 4th of July in the States]
Me: so when do we fight the aliens?
Friend: umm, it’s just fireworks and pie.
Me: this is bullshit
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
wife: I was saving that
me [eating bacon] It expires today
*wife checks package*
*sees I crossed out the date and wrote “today”*
My boyfriend wakes me up when he wants to have sex… Do I wake him up when I want to buy shoes???… No!!!
My mom when I was a kid:
“Never talk to strangers.”
“Never get in their cars.”
Me to my future kids:
“Here’s how to order an Uber.”
Escape rooms were invented by introverts. Only they would pay money to leave somewhere in less than an hour.
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
[morning after getting drunk]
age 23: did i make out with that guy
age 36: did i wash my face
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
Her: Let’s go see 50 Shades of Grey
Me: Tonight?
Her: Yes
[After the movie]
Her: OMG that was so hot!
Me: Mom, please just stop talking
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Salt and pepper shakers add an air of mystique to any bathroom
[me narrating a documentary about the pyramids]
I really want a Toblerone for some reason.
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
*Salesman smashes through window into living room* Evening, folks. Are you in the market for a new window?
“It wasn’t such a GOOD FRIDAY for Jesus, if you think about it.” -Every youth pastor today.
They have creatures Noah didn’t bring into his ark. It’s a no
I enjoy learning about the world by watching the Olympics. So far I’ve learned that Canada ISN’T the only country that participates in curling.
[gently waking my mom] I’m in a gang now. With 43 monkeys.
JFK was the perfect name for this airport because it makes me feel like I got shot in the head
Little straws like capri sun but for Taco Bell hot sauce packets.
Everyone knows you don’t need a wood chipper, if you have pigs.
Make new friends by waking up strangers with forehead kisses after they’ve fallen asleep on the train.